Faith's Panorama

[heslopian]

Squares, churches, rusting doors,
celebrations in the streets
of some dusty old village.

A sombre thought for those same folk
in a rec room, cold and close,
where evening prayers are sometimes held.

Anger at both these stereotypes,
the peasants and the urbanites,
in those who understand neither.

Our atheists are cold as beer,
our soul cleansers are blind as holes.
Above it all the sky observes.

[billy]

the whole 1st verse is a great image jack. specially the rusting doors.
three lines put in in the image, i loved it.

the 2nd also has a great image; it lends a feel that resonates with the 1st verse.

the 1st line of the 3rd feels preachy. L2, and L3 however are almost perfect.

is 'our' needed in L1, of the 4th verse?
on the penultimate line is 'our' and 'are' needed?

for me it's a an excellent poem. that would be even better with a small edit. jmo.

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Before I go too far Jack, why squares? I feel I'm missing something obvious but I am missing it.

[heslopian]

Would the first line of the third verse feel less preachy if instead of "stereotypes" I put "worshipping kinds"?
Neither of the "ours" are needed, but I think they add an air of intimacy. I think removing them would make the verse seem didactic somehow.
Thanks for your feedback and kind words Bilbo

[billy]

i thought it was okay because i'm from the uk where squares like greens, are synonymous with village.
village green, village square etc. (my take)

[heslopian]

Before I go too far Jack, why squares? I feel I'm missing something obvious but I am missing it.

Village squares. What Bilbo said

[Todd]

My country is too young.

[heslopian]

England should really be ashamed of itself for agreeing to a "special relationship" with it then

[Todd]

Jack,

Now that we've dealt with the woeful history of colonialism Let me give you some comments:

Squares, churches, rusting doors,
celebrations in the streets
of some dusty old village.

S1 has nice tight phrasing and good images. No nits from me.

A sombre thought for those same folk--I'm getting ahead of myself but I'm not fully sold on S3. I would be tempted to rename the title Faith's Sterotypes, cut S3, and replace same folk with urbanites. That may be drastic but I sort of like what that would do. Something to think about
in a rec room, cold and close,--I really like cold and close
where evening prayers are sometimes held.

Anger at both these stereotypes,
the peasants and the urbanites,
in those who understand neither.

Our atheists are cold as beer,
our soul cleansers are blind as holes.
Above it all the sky observes.--these three lines are almost a poem in themselves. I really like the payoff of it all. Great lines, great images

So, I hope some of that was helpful Jack, whatever you choose to go with.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

Would the first line of the third verse feel less preachy if instead of "stereotypes" I put "worshipping kinds"?
Neither of the "ours" are needed, but I think they add an air of intimacy. I think removing them would make the verse seem didactic somehow.
Thanks for your feedback and kind words Bilbo

for me, it's the 'angry' part that feels a little preachy. it feels like the narrator is voicing an opinion (which is allowed of course)
if you used;

angry stereotypes,
the peasants and the urbanites,
who understand neither.

i'm not so sure myself but it's an option to look at.