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Threads: 14
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(First revision)
Asunder flowers
of rosin bloom
Deceiving and tranquil
like pale faced moons.
*Original version was me trying to remember how I wrote it... as it was years ago.
*It is talking about a persons eyes.
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Asunder flowered
a rosen blue
deceiving and tranquil
like pale faced moons.
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
I do not like to see poems without comments, but I am afraid I do not follow you, ckeo.
Asunder as I understand it is an adjective or adverb and here you seem to be using it as a noun. In L2 'rosen blue' - I know there are blue roses, but a rosy blue makes no sense to me. I apologize for not being more helpful.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 47
Threads: 14
Joined: Jul 2011
(07-23-2011, 07:19 AM)Aish Wrote: I do not like to see poems without comments, but I am afraid I do not follow you, ckeo.
Asunder as I understand it is an adjective or adverb and here you seem to be using it as a noun. In L2 'rosen blue' - I know there are blue roses, but a rosy blue makes no sense to me. I apologize for not being more helpful.
Sorry, I edited it... it is now closer to how I originally wrote it.
It has a special meaning to myself so the wording may not make much sense to others.
My name is Craig.
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
Nice to meet you, Craig.
The edit helps.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(07-22-2011, 01:20 PM)ckeo Wrote: (First revision)
Asunder flowers
of rosin bloom
Deceiving and tranquil
like pale faced moons.
*Original version was me trying to remember how I wrote it... as it was years ago.
*It is talking about a persons eyes.
-------------------------
Asunder flowered
a rosen blue
deceiving and tranquil
like pale faced moons.
footnotes telling what the poems about don't really work for me,
the last two lines work but i struggle with the 1st two
sorry i can't be more helpful
