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i have kissed goodnight my dreams
shut the door with tender gaze
on their sleeping forms at rest
the sun is setting
god is dead
and i am here with you o love
in this mighty nothingness
where history has never trod
where flowers died out long ago
and where i hold you on this hill
your body is the only time
your penis sunlight on a stone
each breast a book with no writing
down which i trace my open hand
the sun is setting
god is dead
i killed him and replaced him with you
i have kissed goodnight my dreams
so i can dream with you
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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I like your repetition of "i have kissed goodnight my dreams", and the gentle irony of the closing lines, but overall I feel this poem is very tell-y, with quite a few overdone motifs. "sunlight on (a) stone" is a pretty image (slightly skewed by using it as a metaphorical description for the penis), but the tabula-rasa idea that follows has been done to death. "god is dead" similarly offers nothing new.
I'm sorry, Jack, but for me it reads as a bit of a diary entry. This could just be my aversion to love poetry speaking, of course.
It could be worse
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Yeah, "god is dead" I just stole from Nietzche, and "sunlight on a stone" was based on something I read in an Adrienne Rich poem. To tell you the truth I'd just read "She Walks in Beauty" by Byron and felt like getting all romantic
Thanks for your feedback.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(07-17-2011, 11:20 AM)Heslopian Wrote: i have kissed goodnight my dreams
shut the door with tender gaze
on their sleeping forms at rest excellent opening that feels quite serene
the sun is setting cliché
god is dead
and i am here with you o love cliché
in this mighty nothingness feels too poetical and forced
where history has never trod
where flowers died out long ago
and where i hold you on this hill for me, this verse feels like it's trying to hard but not quite succeeding at giving a decent image
your body is the only time
your penis sunlight on a stone an unusual metaphor to say the least, sorry jack but it made me laugh which a love poem should;d do...not this way at least.
each breast a book with no writing
down which i trace my open hand
the sun is setting
god is dead
i killed him and replaced him with you this verse feels like filler.
i have kissed goodnight my dreams
so i can dream with you
very unlike your usual stuff. for me it needs to be more original and carry at least two or three solid images. the penis thing was funny. i'm sorry to say, and for me not a representation of anything connected with love.
i liked the repetition of the last to lines but for me it needs a good strong edit. jmo
thanks for the read jack
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It needs binning
Thanks for the feedback Bilbo
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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don't give up on it, do an edit.
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I may keep the opening tercet and see where else I can go from it.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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07-17-2011, 03:50 PM
(This post was last modified: 07-17-2011, 04:07 PM by Leanne.)
Make it a triolet
"She Walks In Beauty" is one hell of a yardstick to measure anything against... not much will come close.
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