Metamorphoses

[Leanne]

I've just changed L11 to get rid of an "as", "as" advised

Revised 19/03/12

When you and I were summer, and the sky
was greyer than the green that grew between
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows passing by,
you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,
while roses split the stones and oceans dry;
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

Original Version

When you and I were summer, and the sky
was greyer than the green that grew between
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows passing by,
you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,
as roses split the stones and oceans dry;
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

[addy]

Beautiful work Leanne. At first, "When you and I were summer" seemed like a plain line, but it goes deeper, alluding to experience so singular and perfect they seemed like eternal sunshine... really like the exploration of how something eternal is flickering, not untouched.

When you and I were summer, and the sky
was greyer interesting contradiction than the green that grew between
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows again, interesting contradiction between "eternal" and "shadows" passing by,
you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,
as roses split the stones very nice and oceans dry;
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

[heslopian]

This reminds me of Robert Frost. A flawless sonnet (so far as I know) with an elegant rhythm, complex imagery and an atmosphere more delicate than dust on a toadstool. Brilliant.

[Aish]

When you and I were summer, and the sky
was greyer than the green that grew between
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows passing by,
you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,
as roses split the stones and oceans dry;
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

This is absolutely my new favorite piece of writing. It's gorgeous. "When you and I were summer" Your opener is bittersweet, heady, and it stings my own youthful memories. "you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply." Somehow you managed to lift a memory out of me that is so potent it made me tear up.
"yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs," Tears. I really did tear up.

I wouldn't change a thing. Emotionally evocative, well written, and lovely.

[billy]

When you and I were summer, and the sky
was greyer than the green that grew between is there some trochee's happening in this and the 1st line?
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows passing by,
you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,
as roses split the stones and oceans dry;
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

eff off, i'm jealous

obviously a peter arkin,
and for me a well written one, i won't mention the content as that too is obvious. the only thing in my lack of experience that i'm not sure about were the first two lines, (which i liked.)
the flow/meter feels effortless, rhyme scheme flawless and my fave part of all...it reads in the modern idiom. love the use of linden, the rose that grows through concrete is cliché, but you got round it nicely.
both parts of the petrarchan are there. and the way you use summer in the 1st and last instance works extremely well. often to do such a thing would feel repetitious. that isn't the case here. all in all a really good modern sonnet. jmo

thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

something eternal is flickering, not untouched.

addy, I'm so pleased to read your analysis -- I'm not sure I knew it before, but that's exactly what I wanted it to mean.

[Leanne]

This reminds me of Robert Frost.

I couldn't get a higher compliment, Jack, thank you.

[Leanne]

Aish, sounds like you and I have a hell of a lot in common. It seems such a small thing to go from someone saying "I love you despite all your flaws, we can fix those" to a simple "I love you", but they're worlds apart. Someone on another (much lesser) site told me this isn't a proper sonnet because it's not about love Thank you, tears and laughter are gold for poets.

[Leanne]

Billy, if you keep going on about trochees you'll find yourself beaten to death with one :p

As to writing in the modern idiom, if you have to mangle the language to make it fit a rhyme scheme, you're letting the poem dictate to you -- a fatal flaw for any poet. If you can't make a line work, there's always another word. I can't claim the linden as my own idea, Ovid beat me to it (or whatever the origins of Metamorphoses were before the Big O got to it), but the legend was so pretty and fitting that I couldn't resist it.

I must breathe a bit of a sigh now -- it's so lovely to write for thoughtful readers. Thank you all.

[billy]

the you an i and summer sky and all shouts out it's a love poem. or did they want you to mention the word itself. for me it fills all the criteria a sonnet should, sorry about the trochees it my inner ear, it won't listen to me brain.

[Todd]

Hi Leanne,

This is just gorgeous writing. You leave me nothing to critique in my critique.

When you and I were summer, and the sky--This first line is so nuanced. I love the idea of you and I being summer but with the line break you start by giving the impression that one is summer the other the sky. Your enjambment thoughout makes this poem sing.
was greyer than the green that grew between--love the internal rhyme of green and betweeen and I also loved the greyer than the green
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows passing by,--I don't often think of shadows as eternal. This makes me think of the shadows cast byprimordial forests or something of substance
you whispered me a question; my reply--great tension with the line break
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,--awesome
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.--Now a little bit of bite in the softness of the piece

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn--sort of like a Midsummer Nights dream. The idea that the glamours can last in the evening but are dispelled when we can see clearly beneath the sun
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,--Interesting that it's temples which means also that the gifts of these gods is long forgotten like their worshipers
as roses split the stones and oceans dry;--love the images and the crisp way you state them
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,--works very well with tearing thorn. The love is worth the pain that comes when summer ends
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

A memorable piece. Thank you for sharing it. I have no nits to discuss.

Best,

Todd[/b]

[Leanne]

Todd, many thanks -- it is a great delight to see what other people find in my poems, and an even greater delight when the things that come out are so close to what I was hoping went in

[tectak]

When you and I were summer, and the sky
was greyer than the green that grew between
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows passing by,
you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,
as roses split the stones and oceans dry;
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

Single handedly changed the world view of Sheilas.....and I've viewed a few. Write me another.
Best,
Tectak

[Leanne]

Ach, I'm kind of over the sonnets, I've written a bazillion of the buggers... but they're pretty little things when you're in the mood.

(PS. Never make assumptions based on poetry )

[Erthona]

Much more romantic than Gregor copulating with a picture on the wall!

Dale

[Leanne]

I'm almost sure I wish I knew what you were talking about, Dale, so I'm just going to say thanks and move on...

[Erthona]

You've never read Kafka's "The Metamorphosis"?

[Leanne]

No... I'm not as old as you, I can't possibly have read everything :p

[Bronte]

When you and I were summer, and the sky
was greyer than the green that grew between
my linden and your oaken strength, serene,
eternal as the shadows passing by,
you whispered me a question; my reply
was lost upon the winds of might-have-been,
for change must come to every tranquil scene
and gifts from gods are not what they imply.

Forever is a dream lost to the dawn
and temples fall to dust beneath the years,
as roses split the stones and oceans dry;
yet boughs will bend and brave the tearing thorn
to claim the scars as treasured souvenirs,
and laugh until the summer, you and I.

AS-- a small word but! lazy what is wrong with
L4 eternally, or runs , or both!

Eternally comes shadows passing by,

L 11 lot of images her e to pick from
Old, bud . red, sweet ! oh my what a choice. Mine is


Blood roses split the stones and oceans dry;

L13 how about – now, . sweet. Loved old ,
bed would be good! Relates to the roses , it has to be a very strong image in this line to stop the readers breath and surprise them my pick is this

and claim old scars scant treasured souvenirs, and l 14

OUR summer. Not THE summer give us something to dream on ~~ you are welcome

[Leanne]

I know you hate similes... you know I don't share that irrational prejudice of yours and will ignore it!

Your alteration to L4 changes the grammatical sense, because at the moment it refers back to the previous lines and I don't want shadows to have an independent clause of their own. "As" isn't lazy, it's an adverb -- exactly the same part of speech as "eternally", incidentally, but in this context it's providing a different link as it doesn't require the addition of another verb to make it work. In other spots, it's a preposition -- might as well be upset by every of, to, for, on, or that!

The same goes for L13. Aside from the fact that your example totally screws up the meter and squishes a whole stack of illogical words together in a way that I'd whack a student for, it doesn't say what I want it to say. And personally I'd find "our summer" way too trite and sick-making (it might even make me puke!)

So, as you can see I haven't just discarded your suggestions because I don't want to make changes, I've discarded them after thinking carefully about word choices and why they were made in the first place (or rather, the 51st place since I never remember how many edits a poem goes through in my head before it even makes the paper). I'm happy to hear from you, and even happier to have my words challenged, but happiest of all that I feel confident I've done reasonably well with this