What Elephants Remember

[don miguel]

Hi Philatone / Geoff. I'm late to this one, but I've had a quick look over the other versions. (And it reminds me I've got a poem of my own about elephants to finish off.)

Anyway, the most noticeable change to the fourth version is the change of narrative perspective. If I'm honest, I'm not sure it improves things, I'm afraid. This is being told from the point of view of a young elephant isn't it? This anthropomorphism is a bit risky, as it comes across as a bit sentimental. To the poem's credit, it doesn't labour this element; but I prefer the greater objectivity of the third-person perspective.

But as it stands, some smaller points:
* I'm not sure about the first stanza as it doesn't seem integral to the poem as its imagery is not built on, and only serves as scene-setting, therefore seems quite 'passive'. In a poem this sparse, I think everything needs to earn its place and enhance the poem.
* If you keep it, do you need 'had led' in the first line? Could it just be past tense 'Drought led us'? It just tightens things even more in what is quite a sparse poem.
* I'm not sure I like breaking 'water | hole' (lines 2-3).
* That's a really awkward stanza break between 'a flick of her || tail' which seems out of kilter with the image presented.
* I'm not sure of the simile of tusks 'hanging like strokes of thunder'. For a start, do you mean 'lightning' not 'thunder' - which my Oxford English Dictionary defines as 'a loud rumbling or crashing noise heard after a lightning flash and due to the expansion of rapidly heated air'. But changing it to 'lightning' (which is how I interpreted it anyway) gives the problem of the transitory nature of lightning against the permanence and slow movements of the tusks. Where's the common ground between these images? Just the visual? If so, that doesn't convince me as strong enough to work effectively.
* It's probably my lack of knowledge, but I didn't understand this:

how her missing teeth
had once devoured

its daughters—

* As Leanne noted, 'to be honest' (line 1, st 6) strikes the wrong note.
* I'm sorry to see the loss of the last line 'how it hurts to forget' – I think it could work very effectively, and makes for a stronger ending. Although that said, I thought in previous versions this line just needed to be built up a bit more throughout the poem, so it sounded more like the poem's inevitable conclusion.

But overall, I'm sorry to say, I prefer the approach and narrative perspective of the other versions as I think they make for a more effective poem.

[Todd]

Geoff,

We have the advantage of seeing previous versions. I can't say how I would have viewed this in a vacuum. My thought though is that you've moved into something entirely different. These may be two poems in a sequence but this does not feel like a revision to me. It seems like something else. I need to get my head more around it if I'm going to comment further. One call out though the "to be honest" feels too self conscious and out of place to me.

There are some good sequences here it just feels like a different poem.

Best,

Todd

V. 4

Drought had led us
to the water
hole, Uganda
grasses softer
than the sun
soaked dust.

Mother must have
known the time.
We lost her
until sunset;
could not tell
a flick of her

tail from the weeds,
or find a flash
of her tusks, once
hung like strokes
of thunder over
our own.

By then, the grass
was already caressing
her head, the way
elephants cannot, forgetting
how her missing teeth
had once devoured

its daughters—
how she had led
all of us
to do the same.
We found her
cold as desert

and, to be honest,
did not want
to take away
as much of her
as we did
as we left.






V. 3

What Elephants Remember

Behind the maps to water holes,
one matron keeps locked in drawers
photographs of her mother's
bone and silent ivory.

To a calf, those tusks had hung
overhead like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud of grey,

stiffened into marble headstones
at the grave. The softened blades
fed her mother when the fields

dried, and soothed her jaws when passing
teeth too old to grow again;
held her head when death refused.

Queens cannot give back a crown,
just a name to those buried
in Uganda grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget.







v2. still working on final stanza. minor changes thanks to billy

Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble torn from mines.

To a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into plated
pulp and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too.







V. 1
Matriarchs may store the most
in their cerebellum drawers:
shelves of maps to water holes,
photographs of their mothers'
bone and silent ivory,
white as marble in a field.

As a calf, those tusks had hung
in the air like strokes of thunder
chiseled from a cloud, only

to unravel into dentin,
pulp, and blood as an adult,
who may pass a graveyard with
names for every body buried
in the softened grass, not knowing
how it hurts to forget, too.

[Philatone]

i realize the change is dramatic. perhaps i could separate and create two poems, using each as a base (similar to your idea, todd, about a sequence). to be honest, this is the version that gets closest to what i had intended in the beginning; the original began taking a direction and mind that i hadn't really anticipated. its detachment scared me in a way and felt too-telling/ omniscent

I may remove V. 4, create a new poem, and continue editing versions 1-3

don, leanne- am certainly going to take your suggestions into consideration. thunder captures more of a hanging for me than lightning does; the latter is just too quick. thanks for the time

[Philatone]

sorry for refusing to stop this madness; have posted a revision

[billy]

can i suggest to start a new thread. i was looking for the version leanne posted on (v4) and see it as something different.
just link to this one