Splash!

[billy]

Today I drove
through a large puddle.
I didn’t want to drench
the innocent woman with child.
It was either them, or Ben Her
the crazy bus driver.
Once the guilt subsided
I felt good.
The rest of my day was spent
deluging women with kids,
who were silly enough to stand
next to puddles.

[Leanne]

Ben Hur... right, that's out of the way

I wonder if "innocent" might work instead of "unsuspecting"? I kind of like the idea of sullying someone like that... could be just me of course!

And perhaps "once the guilt subsided" or "departed".

I'd leave the last four lines as they are, I think they're excellent.

[billy]

is any woman with child innocent just kidding hehe.

def yes to guilt subsided and to innocent, will do a quick edit in a while.

looking on your feedback proves to me that rushing poems isn't as clever a thing to do was we think.

the subside instead of 'had left' seems so obvious on a second take. thanks for the feedback as always .

[Leanne]

It doesn't hurt to rush and get it down, as long as we remember that we're only writers once, then editors forevermore That's what a workshop is for.

[addy]

LOL!

I might be off base, but I'd like it better if the lines "I didn’t want to drench --the unsuspecting woman with child---" were somehow rewritten to make it clear that you did drench them. Only in the succeeding lines did I realize you had done the deed. Just my impression though

[critical mass]

Billy

Loved this. Sounds like a business decision gone right.

my car might be a given, and if not it doesn't matter what the transportation was.

Cheers

David

[billy]

i agree, thanks for the feedback david. i'll change it as it's just a quickie.