Is this 'Living'?

[violet]

Moments fly past in this jagged-toothed city
We exist, sucking the same heavy smoke
kicking the same broken bottles that litter the pavement

perfectly discontent and breathless
listening to the whispering hours that pass
Missed chances shine brightly in the suburbs

Senses are delivered and our manufactured decorations
need no watering. Mechanical slaves do our bidding
giving us plastic when a simple lilly will do

Forests of car-parts thrive. Mercury rivers surge past
Street lamps blink with harsh, crooked eyes
Painted structures open no windows to the sky

Swept by a current of free-flowing bodies accidentally co-operating
Part of the crowd with no face, drifting in the same direction
The pavements flood with life, it's easy enough to drown

[billy]

Moments fly past in this jagged-toothed city is past needed? good image
We exist, sucking the same heavy smoke
kicking the same broken bottles that litter the pavement good opening verse

perfectly discontent, knock-kneed and breathless is perfectly needed?
listening to the whispering hours that pass us is the needed?
Missed chances shine brightly here in the suburbs

Senses are delivered and our manufactured decorations is our needed?
need no watering. Mechanical slaves do our bidding
giving us plastic when a simple rose will do i like this line very much, it shows that some things can't be made

Forests of car-parts thrive and mercury rivers surge past
Street lamps blink with harsh, crooked eyes would swapping with harsh round to 'harsh, with' add anything?
Painted structures open no windows to the sky

Swept by a current of free-flowing bodies accidentally co-operating good line
Part of the faceless crowd, going in the same direction is 'part of' needed?
The pavements flow with life and it's easy enough to drown another good line, is 'the' needed?

Scurrying around searching just like garbage-rats is 'just like' needed? if not just put a comma after searching./b]
caught in the pulse of our tiny existence
This humid cage of bricks and trash Is our home. [b]is 'our needed' ? is not Is

i really enjoyed this one. it takes snapshots of city life and puts them together in a way i can relate to. lots to like about it. my only nit is excess wordage. (which could just be me)
it has a vibrancy that all cities have. and a sadness.

thanks for the read (jmo)

[Cthonian]

I love the imagery in this poem - vibrant yet decayed. I loved reading it.

Moments fly past in this jagged-toothed city
We exist, sucking the same heavy smoke
kicking the same broken bottles that litter the pavement

perfectly discontent, knock-kneed and breathless
listening to the whispering hours that pass us "Whispering hours" is a fantastic image
Missed chances shine brightly here in the suburbs

Senses are delivered and our manufactured decorations
need no watering. Mechanical slaves do our bidding
giving us plastic when a simple rose will do Great verse - sadness permeates the descriptions, but there is still a sense of terror and lack of control

Forests of car-parts thrive and mercury rivers surge past
Street lamps blink with harsh, crooked eyes
Painted structures open no windows to the sky Love "mercury rivers" and "crooked eyes" - makes me think the city has a vengeful self-awareness

Swept by a current of free-flowing bodies accidentally co-operating Co-operating feels a little out of place to me, might be nice to strengthen the image with a description of something more automated or mechanical.
Part of the faceless crowd, going in the same direction
The pavements flow with life and it's easy enough to drown Beautiful line

Scurrying around searching just like garbage-rats
caught in the pulse of our tiny existence
This humid cage of bricks and trash Is our home. Last verse seems out of place to me for some reason. I loved the ending of the last verse - "easy enough to drown" - I would prefer the poem to end there.

As I mentioned elsewhere, these are my first critiques - please don't be offended or anything, these are just my thoughts. I loved the poem, you have a very strong, fluid way with language. Thanks for the read.

[violet]

It's fantastic to hear your opinions on this, i appreciate the advice!

Lovely to be here BTW

[billy]

[Todd]

Hi Violet,

Some cool things going on here. I'm going some broad suggestions some of them might be too much (please disregard those) hopefully some of this will be helpful for you:

Moments fly past in this jagged-toothed city--jagged tooth city is pretty cool. Moments fly past though is something we've heard before and it diminishes the impact of the rest of the line. I would consider simply: In this jagged-toothed city
We exist, sucking the same heavy smoke
kicking the same broken bottles that litter the pavement--maybe shift to present tense (i.e., We exist to suck...to kick...). I like your repetition of same you could play it up even more if you wanted (...that litter the same, same pavement) just a thought. I like the bones of this section just some possible tweaks to think about.

perfectly discontent, knock-kneed and breathless--perfectly discontent is the narrator telling me something I can't observe. Whereas, the other two are observable. I would cut perfectly discontent or show it to us through some trait (that said three descriptive traits may be too much for one line, even if you change pd you may want to cut one of these.
listening to the whispering hours that pass us--whispering hours is awesome. I do think you could cut that and us without losing anything
Missed chances shine brightly here in the suburbs--I think you could cut brightly and here. Shine implies bright

Senses are delivered and our manufactured decorations
need no watering. Mechanical slaves do our bidding
giving us plastic when a simple rose will do--this idea here is cool

Forests of car-parts thrive and mercury rivers surge past--maybe blend the ideas a bit without the and...(i.e., Forests of car-parts divide mercury rivers. Again you could go with rapids if you needed to but rivers might give the sense of surging already. It's a judgment call
Street lamps blink with harsh, crooked eyes--this is a solid image. Maybe substitute their for with
Painted structures open no windows to the sky

Swept by a current of free-flowing bodies accidentally co-operating
Part of the faceless crowd, going in the same direction--since you've already introduced the river image maybe replace part of the faceless crowd with a river oriented word like Flotsam
The pavements flow with life and it's easy enough to drown--I like the drown part. I would consider cutting with life. I think it's aready assumed in your build-up.

Scurrying around searching just like garbage-rats--if this is after the river has washed everything up maybe add something like Scurrying around the debris. Garbage rats is good though you could cut just without losing anything
caught in the pulse of our tiny existence--purely optional but you could simplify here you don't need to spell it fully out: caught in the tiny pulse
This humid cage of bricks and trash Is our home.--solid ending. I like the lead in with this. Again you could simplify to smooth this a bit. It may not work for you...example: This humid home of bricks and trash

It's a good write. I think there's a lot you can develop here. Again, I hope some of that helps. Please ignore what doesn't.

Best,

Todd

[violet]

Thanks for your help guys i edited