Who wants a bubble?

[Owen1982]

Can it really be?

Is it really true,
That there could be a me and you,
Or is it all in my head,
It is all wrongly read?

How can someone such as you,
With enough beauty that one look can subdue,
Ever want someone like me,
Someone as dumb as can be?

Is this all just a dream?
Of which it really seems,
I never wish to awake,
For to awake my heart could not take.

If this is really a possibility,
Then I am so, so lucky,
Someone must be smiling down on me,
For what else could it possibly be?

I pray that there could really be,
A chance for you and me,
To be together and happy,
For the rest of eternity.

If I can have my way,
Then we will have our day,
A day that will never end,
The day which this broken man you shall mend.

I give to you my heart and soul,
They are yours to control.
Will you give the same to me?
Will you give yourself completely?

So, here I am again,
Wondering if and when,
I’ve completely lost my mind,
Believing that our lives could become entwined.


So this my dear is my poem just for you,
It is also my question too,
Is this all in my head?
Please don’t leave anything unsaid.


So then don´t be shy let me know what you think, but bear in mind this is a first for me so please don´t be too harsh. I know that I seem to have gone a little soppy, but the girl I wrote this for has really won my heart.

[Leanne]

Owen, welcome. This is very sweet and you have a good ear for rhyme and rhythm that will sharpen with practise (if you're up for it). Your emotion is clearly conveyed and yes, it's a bit soppy but that's forgivable when you've clearly written it for a purpose. I hope it works for you!

[billy]

Can it really be?

Is it really true,
That there could be a me and you,
Or is it all in my head,
It is all wrongly read?

How can someone such as you,
With enough beauty that one look can subdue,
Ever want someone like me,
Someone as dumb as can be?

Is this all just a dream?
Of which it really seems,
I never wish to awake,
For to awake my heart could not take.

If this is really a possibility,
Then I am so, so lucky,
Someone must be smiling down on me,
For what else could it possibly be?

I pray that there could really be,
A chance for you and me,
To be together and happy,
For the rest of eternity.

If I can have my way,
Then we will have our day,
A day that will never end,
The day which this broken man you shall mend.

I give to you my heart and soul,
They are yours to control.
Will you give the same to me?
Will you give yourself completely?

So, here I am again,
Wondering if and when,
I’ve completely lost my mind,
Believing that our lives could become entwined.


So this my dear is my poem just for you,
It is also my question too,
Is this all in my head?
Please don’t leave anything unsaid.


So then don´t be shy let me know what you think, but bear in mind this is a first for me so please don´t be too harsh. I know that I seem to have gone a little soppy, but the girl I wrote this for has really won my heart.

hi owen.

of course it's soppy, it's a personal love poem. you should read some of mine. the end rhyme is good though forced in places and some of them are repetitive. the sentiment is clearly there and runs the length of the poem. the good thing abut the mild critique forum is that we try not to overburden people with things to do. given time you'll see that if you keep writing, things mentioned will vastly improve.
thanks for the read.

(i bet she loved it

[heslopian]

"It" and "is" are the wrong way around at the end of the first verse. Sometimes the rigorous attention to rhyme confuses the syntax a bit, but other than that this is a splendid, charmingly boyish and tender love poem, almost like a folk song in its gentle rhythms and pleasent sentiments. Good job Owen.

[kath3]

If this poem were addressed to me, I'd be very touched and honored.
Yep, soppy ... big time, but it's also beautiful and straight from the heart.
Well done Owen, I hope she appreciates such a heartfelt gesture as having a poem written to her.
Thanks for sharing

[addy]

This is so sweet ... and structure-wise it's great especially considering you're a beginner. Thanks for sharing

[critical mass]

Owen 1982

Nice love poem. Anyone we know?

Only nits.

Write as u speak. Try not to twist your words to fit the poem.
Opening line or stanza should grab the reader and make them want to see what u have to say.


Cheers


David

[Owen1982]

Thanks. Especially for the advise about the opening line. I shall bear it in mind.

What does "nits" mean?

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Thanks

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Thank you.

[billy]

"nits" are small things, nothing to serious but stuff that should be looked at non the less