Don't Speak to Me in Tongues

[billy]

Latest edit;

I don’t want to be
an anachronistic fossil
suspended by the academe
rutted in brittle drone syndrome
of syntax and scholastic meme

I don’t require a requiem
of mortarboards flung skyward
cold clichés of camaraderie
honour bound
that drum out masonic
in words that hiss but make no sound

I don’t yearn for tête-à-tête
with educational elite
whose coffee cups are stroked
around the crusted rim
with anecdotal tales
conversely told with vim

I want to see in black and white and grey
what an edifice can say
to me in terms of lay and lie
I want to feel and hear it
fly below my head
I want to know
what’s just been fucking said.

original version:
I don’t want to be
an anachronistic fossil
suspended in scholastic resin
like sticky academia nuts
rutted in brittle drone syndrome
of sin-tax and no buts

I don’t require a requiem
of mortarboards flung skyward
cold clichés of camaraderie
honour bound
that drum out masonic
in words that hiss but make no sound

I don’t yearn for tête-à-tête
with educational elite
whose coffee cups are stroked
around the crusted rim
with anecdotal tales
conversely told with vim

I want to see in black and white and grey
what an edifice can say
to me in terms of lay and lie
I want to feel and hear it
fly below my head
I want to know
what’s just been fucking said.

---

This is an older one i took out and dusted off.

[Leanne]

Billy, I'm afraid I'm not able to give you a full critique at this time, but I really do love that last stanza especially (although if it were mine, I'd put "fly" on the line preceding, and break after it, just to take full effect of the rhyme). The first stanza may possibly be -- and I can't believe I'm even going to suggest it -- overly laden with puns. I know that "sin tax" and "academia nuts" in particular have been a little overused in the past and they may actually detract from the cleverness of your poem.

I will return for proper critique later.

[billy]

you could be right, i wrote it about 10 years ago
i can sort the fly out and have a go at the sintax/nut thing (a little later on.

thanks for the feedback

[billy]

Latest edit;

I don’t want to be
an anachronistic fossil
suspended by the academe
rutted in brittle drone syndrome
of syntax and scholastic meme

I don’t require a requiem
of mortarboards flung skyward
cold clichés of camaraderie
honour bound
that drum out masonic
in words that hiss but make no sound

I don’t yearn for tête-à-tête
with educational elite
whose coffee cups are stroked
around the crusted rim
with anecdotal tales
conversely told with vim

I want to see in black and white and grey
what an edifice can say
to me in terms of lay and lie
I want to feel and hear it
fly below my head
I want to know
what’s just been fucking said.

[Leanne]

Wunderbar! Now you pick up a half-rhyme from meme to requiem (and back to syndrome I suppose) -- I'll bet this sounds excellent read aloud. Content-wise, I can't find any fault as its message is pretty clear and well drawn. One line that does continue to give me pause is "black and white and grey"... I can understand the grey, but for myself, I'd shy away from the black and white given those are the colours of academia. Perhaps something in "shades of grey"? But now I'm imposing personal preference, so feel free to ignore as it's really not a fault in the line, just in my own reading.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback Leanne.

[Todd]

This is pretty damn cool Billy. I like the title, it reminds me of babel and those that would see great learning as an end to itself--a religious experience of sorts. The rhyme for the most part (rim and vim being the exception) sits below the surface. It provides a nice sound when read out loud but doesn't have a forced sense to it.

Latest edit;

I don’t want to be
an anachronistic fossil
suspended by the academe
rutted in brittle drone syndrome--love brittle drone syndrome. It stinks of group think.
of syntax and scholastic meme

I don’t require a requiem
of mortarboards flung skyward--nice rhyme with meme and requiem I like this pair of lines here a lot.
honour bound
that drum out masonic
in words that hiss but make no sound--best lines in the poem for me. Masonic is a great choice as if this is some hidden gnostic clique. I also like the idea of words hissing like a whisper or in disapproval but not conveying anyting worthwhile

I don’t yearn for tête-à-tête
with educational elite
whose coffee cups are stroked
around the crusted rim
with anecdotal tales
conversely told with vim

I want to see in black and white and grey--the and grey elevates this from cliche
what an edifice can say
to me in terms of lay and lie--I read this as both meanings of lie
I want to feel and hear it
fly below my head
I want to know
what’s just been fucking said.

It's solid. No real suggestion to offer. Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the feedback as always Todd.