My Father:

[billy]

(a knock on from the poetry practice forum; visit it a small edit done on advice from the post below this one(thanks Leanne))

My father didn't call me son,
he wanted mum to be a nun.
Alas her legs did not stay shut;
the village branded her a slut
and out i popped, the bakers bun.

Dad knew I wasn't from his gun
he fired blanks that never spun.
He didn't bang, he just went phut.
My father.

The vicar banged dear mom, and done
the dirty deed; he came a ton.
He felt the toes of daddy's foot
so high; he nearly bust a gut.
he doesn't want to share my fun,
my father.

i'm not as confident about the iambs in this one

[Leanne]

The iambs are fine. Very good, in fact -- you're going to have trouble getting that meter out of your head now

The language is what really makes this poem work. It's casual and the vernacular makes for interesting rhymes, so that you have a very unique kind of rondeau. There are only a couple of very small things I would suggest changes to. The first is the punctuation in the first stanza, which I think I'd prefer to see as something like:

My father didn't call me son,
he wanted mum to be a nun.
Alas her legs did not stay shut;
the village branded her a slut
and out i popped, the bakers bun.

And the only other thing I have is the last two lines, which would work better both grammatically and metrically if they read:

He doesn't want to share my fun,
my father.

Excellent marriage of form and subject, Billy.

[billy]

concider the edit done.
my grammar suck and i seriously do try and make it work when i do a poem,
so i'm grateful for the help on that side as well.

thanks for the feedback.
i'll force myself to do a free verse next hehe.

[addy]

I love the combination of the form and it's effect on your... ummm.... less than urbane subject matter . Great edit... nothing else really to correct form-wise and as for content it's an awesome, hilarious read. Well done.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback addy.