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"The stars were ragged in your
presence, dear."
Your lips, like lovingly
scalpeled roses.
Your eyes, the succinctly
corroded color of ruin.
Am I blind? Or am I
just so damn in love
that I could leave this
big green and blue uterus
without even knowing?
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"Lovingly scalpeled." "Succinctly corroded." I love how you take adjectives and verbs which really shouldn't work together and put them in a context where, against all odds, they do. This is perhaps my favourite poem by you, because it's so original, dense yet concise, conveying through that stunning last verse an observation of love I can't remember reading before, at least not when told in that way. I really can't fault anything here. Maybe put "lovingly" and "succinctly" at the beginning of their succeeding lines.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(05-14-2011, 09:59 AM)jadielue Wrote: "The stars were ragged in your
presence, dear."
Your lips, like lovingly
scalpeled roses. would 'rose petals' work better
Your eyes, the succinctly
corroded color of ruin. great couplet
Am I blind? Or am I
just so damn in love
that I could leave this
big green and blue uterus
without even knowing?
is this poem a POV poem as from a child in the womb?
if so i think it rocks in a big way.
the flow of it is spot on though for me the enjambment feels a little sticky. (which sounds like a contradiction but isn't) for me it flows well because i'm ignoring the enjambment.
the last verse is sublime and the rest is just cream on the top
with a really small edit this is ridiculously publishable from my POV
thanks for read. jmo
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(05-14-2011, 09:59 AM)jadielue Wrote: "The stars were ragged in your
presence, dear." Lovely opening.
Your lips, like lovingly
scalpeled roses. "lovingly scalpeled roses" just sounds so bloody good
Your eyes, the succinctly
corroded color of ruin. another gorgeous phrase
Am I blind? Or am I
just so damn in love
that I could leave this
big green and blue uterus
without even knowing? I love how you sound so earnest here and make it so beautifully poetic
What can I say? Beautiful piece.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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You're too kind, Addy.
Billy, I appreciate your comments, they help a heap-load! Yours too Addy, haha. Thank you.
