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Joined: Jan 2010
This one is short and sweet,i hope you all like it..
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Mother you are the one who gave me this birth
Father you are the one who led me to this earth
I thank you both for giving me this light
Which led me into this world to it's beautiful sight
To see god's creatures in air and on ground
To see such beautiness on this earth that is round
I'll never forget you both for as long as i live
My love that's everlasting from my heart that i can give
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thequietman
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(02-01-2010, 05:16 AM)thequietman Wrote: This one is short and sweet,i hope you all like it..
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Mother you are the one who gave me this birth
Father you are the one who led me to this earth
I thank you both for giving me this light
Which led me into this world to it's beautifull sight
To see god's creatures in air and on ground
To see such beautiness on this earth that is round
I'll never forget you both for as long as i live
My love thats everlasting from my heart that i can give
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thequietman
thanks for posting tqm
the rhyme is spot on.
it' needs a little bit of work on the flow.
beautifu
l has 1 L and thats has a comma that
's.
Posts: 21
Threads: 45
Joined: Jan 2010
all edited and done and i used to be good at spelling at school,that's what middle age does to you
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(02-01-2010, 07:13 AM)thequietman Wrote: all edited and done and i used to be good at spelling at school,that's what middle age does to you
i'm the same. now i always go through it with a spell checker.
at present we only have a few people writing poetry so take no notice of the rules that say only 1 or two a week.
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Joined: Dec 2009
Thanks for the poem. As Billy said, it could do with some edits to improve the cadence and internal rhyme.
Also, I noticed you used the adjective "beauty" in both verse 2 and verse 3. Being so close together, it would be good to replace one of them with a synonym so "Beauty isn't repetitive. Just a minor suggestion.
Again, thanks for the lovely read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Joined: Feb 2010
Charming write, and the last Stanza is sweet. However, you should use a bit more variety in your wordage.
ALSO
Just a recommendation...
When using verse, try incorporating some literary devices, such as:
Alliteration: One of my personal favorites. It involves the repetition of the beginning sound of a word, such as: "I skip stones while my seven-year old sister sleeps"
Onomatopoeia: Simple; the word sounds like what it is! Pop, Wham, Whizz, etc, etc.
Consonance and Assonance are similar to alliteration, but involve interior sounds instead.
There are many more, and they are bound to improve your poem!
Real nice, Dub. Your wording seems to invite a pentameter rhythm.
