Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
If it please God-
Grant man wings.
Make us crowns
Of everything.
Unwind-
Your labyrinth of sky
To a highway of floating teal.
Align-
Our minds with Mars
And silhouettes of opal stars
Unlock-
Your elusive treetops
And unreachable summits.
Stop-
Newton's art.
Take his presence from these parts!
If it please God,
On our hearts, pound-
Wake us from the grip
Of ground.
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
02-21-2010, 07:04 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-21-2010, 07:04 AM by billy.)
for me either the title or L2 is redundant. i think it's one of those poems where you need a more ambiguous title.
at first read i thought it preachy but i was wrong. it isn't preachy at all.
you do love that word
opal
personally not my cuppa tea, but i know lots of people whose cup of tea it would be and it's well written which is what counts
hy:
i really like the 5th stanza.
Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
I've scrapped this poem. I didn't like it, too...eh.
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
PP
I love ya Ben.
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Yes, please don't scrap this. I do love that last stanza
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(02-21-2010, 12:54 PM)Larry Wrote: I've scrapped this poem. I didn't like it, too...eh.
stop scrapping stuff.
Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
Well, I usually recycle lines.
I'm actually *working* on a poem I like now...
But I do suffer from poetic ADD sometimes :/
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
that's okay then.
hy:
"wake us from the grip of ground" -- love it. It's an unusual metaphor with a sort of growling alliteration. It is a tyrannical grip, ain't it?
