first off quietman. did you realize this is the serious critique forum.;
to start with i'll comment as though it were in the mild crit forum. (it's easy not see the difference)
baggage= words that don't add to a poem. many poems have baggage, i know a lot of mine do. words like and, the as etc.
some comments in body of poem.
(01-31-2010, 11:53 AM)thequietman Wrote: There's such a thing as flowers and such a thing as wind
Which spreads them all over the world
Allways to the beginning
But never the end
would it read better as:
There's such a thing as flowers
such a thing as wind
Which spreads them the world over
always to the beginning
But never to the end
enjambment is when we use a line end to denote a small pause. it can be used instead of and etc. all in all the world over is the same as the world over. unless it lends to the poem the word all is redundant.
Those seeds that land from where they grow
They'll grow in a place you will never know......internal rime? you'll instead of you will; (does it make the sentence flow better?
A place on earth,A touch of time
Sure all god's things turn out fine..all god's things will turn out fine
which loses sure and puts in will
Then when the sky gets dull then turns grey when the sky gets dull and grey
All god's creatures go away
To a place to shelter to a place to sleep to find some shelter and to sleep
Waiting for that weather to come up and creep while weather cries from clouds that creep
When that weather is gone
All gods creatures will come along
Out of the dark and into the light
To see gods world and it's beautiful sight
To face the world and wander the earth
To rome to their destiny for them to give birth...
thequietman....
i left the last two verse for you to look at.
internal rime or should i say rhythm allows the poem to flow.
makes it smoother.
mary has a little lamb
it's fleece was white as snow
and every where that mary went
that lamb was sure to go
see how it's smooth when said aloud?
what about this version;
mary did have a little lamb
it had a fleece that was white like snow
then everywhere mary wanted to to go
the lamb followed her.
feel how jerky it is.
what we need to try and do is say the poem out loud
at the normal speed of speech. if we have to speed up or slow down, something is usually wrong. where possible try and break a sentence into two if it seems to long
now about the poem.
i like the concept of it. it gas a couple of nice images in.
i think you can improve it given a couple of edits.
sometimes when start to write poetry it can be hard to know what's what.
it's always best to start off by showing poems in the mild critique forums first. for two reasons;
1) in general you'll just get a small or short piece of advice which is easier to take in and absorb.
2) it gives a poet a chance to get used to accepting comment and feedback.
thanks for posting you poem quietman, i really hope you stay and post some more.
check some of the spellings.
rome = roam allways=always, etc
feel free to comment on any of the other poetry you see in the forums
