Short Trousered King by William Marsland

[billy]

The king:

He sits upon his mossy throne
water trickles transparent chords
chrome wallows over muddy rut
a lazy liquid mirrored snake
dividing bluebell and bramble
like some long lost ley-line

attired in royal robes;
elastic dead, killed by murderous thumbs
dull grey socks, ankled at half-mast
mere collarets to plastic sandaled foot
knee-length britches, the colour
of ageless wear and tear
ripple and crease beneath
a shoddy shirt of undetermined blue
choices, choices, choices:
train stations were thought about
shouts of steam that billowed
from the iron spout
and whistled sweetly
into unprotected ears
flapping silent in a milk shake
made of boiling water
and insubstantial dreams

rodinesque, he ponders;
bus rides, park slides
mountaineering, traffic jeering
Mary Simms and long hot swims
a finger wends its way
into the regal nose
and plucks a soggy nugget
that is wiped upon the clothes

so many avenues for fun
many paths to dance down
the king decides to go to school
and rule his asphalt playground

[addy]

I really love the title of this poem

Lots of thing to love about the poem, actually. Can't recommend anything much about the cadence, since you're pretty good at it. The last lines of the second verse really touched me for some reason

If I really had to find points to be edited, I would say that perhaps you can tone down some of the adjectives and go for a few concrete, straightforward imagery. The imagery as it is is distinct and beautiful, but some might come off as a little obscure, which I doubt is your intention for this poem.

Also, the last verse (the ending) I found to be a little abrupt. Was that intentional?

Fantastic poem. Very, very original.

[billy]

I really love the title of this poem

Lots of thing to love about the poem, actually. Can't recommend anything much about the cadence, since you're pretty good at it. The last lines of the second verse really touched me for some reason

If I really had to find points to be edited, I would say that perhaps you can tone down some of the adjectives and go for a few concrete, straightforward imagery. The imagery as it is is distinct and beautiful, but some might come off as a little obscure, which I doubt is your intention for this poem.

Also, the last verse (the ending) I found to be a little abrupt. Was that intentional?

Fantastic poem. Very, very original.

it seems a lot of the nostalgic stuff i write have the same problem with the adjectives. i'm beginning to think of it as my syle lmao.

as for the last verse.
yes. i just used it for an ending.

looking at it. i think it should go.
and be replaced with a full stanza. i'll try my hand at it later.
thanks for the comment. and feedback as always.