Impact

[heslopian]

Out of the dust bowl
new flowers emerge, colours serene
yet perturbing. You place your hands on my thighs,
I squeeze the blanket, my knees resting
on cushions we chose especially for this.
More blooming. Pink leaves. Then indigo stalks
and hazel faces as you enter me
like a satellite drifting through space.
The dust bowl is coming alive. Filling
with flowers, a scented leaf dish on a kitchen table.
But I've not seen these plants before.

[billy]

will respond to this one later in depth,
was caught by the satellite drifting thing that was going on.
and wonder if it's a good simile. do we drift into someone when we enter them?
have to pop out for a while but will be back to give some more feedback later.

[billy]

Out of the dust bowl this line feels a little ambiguous to me
new flowers emerge, colours serene
yet perturbing. You place your hands on my thighs, this line and the one above feel just right
I squeeze the blanket, my knees resting great image
on cushions we chose especially for this.
More blooming. Pink leaves. Then indigo stalks is this the design of the cushions?
and hazel faces as you enter me
like a satellite drifting through space. the simile made me smile, i just thought of; we have entry houston. somehow i don't or cant conceive sexual entry as being like a satellite drifting through space.
The dust bowl is coming alive. Filling
with flowers, a scented leaf dish on a kitchen table.
But I've not seen these plants before. i concluded for this the dust bowl was a metaphor for the lack of love/lover and as such it makes a difference to the ambiguous line i wrote above

in truth struggled a little trying understand some of it jack, the image of the lovers was excellent, it was the dust bowl and though i think i may have gotten what was being expressed, i'm not sure, i'd like it to have a little more clarity. as usual it's original in it's telling.

thanks for the read as always .

[heslopian]

I don't like this poem if I'm honest with you. It feels cheap and dishonest. The dust bowl and the flowers are supposed to be a metaphor for the narrator's chastity, how after being dry for so long they're finally experiencing passion. That's why they haven't seen the plants at the end. I find it interesting you like the image of the lovers but struggle with the rest. I might re-write this without the similes and metaphors.
Thanks for the feedback Billy.

[billy]

i think i got the meaning of it at the end then,
the image was good with the lovers over four lines it's set up and executed well.
you show intent and anticipation in just a few lines.

i do think the satellite simile doesn't do a proper job as far as sex/love making is concerned

[addy]

Out of the dust bowl
new flowers emerge, colours serene I kind of liked this... a strangely muted beginning, but sufficiently mysterious
yet perturbing. You place your hands on my thighs,
I squeeze the blanket, my knees resting
on cushions we chose especially for this.
More blooming. Not sure about that line... makes the narrator sound impatient? Pink leaves. Then indigo stalks
and hazel faces as you enter me
like a satellite drifting through space. I kind of liked this? I didn't take it as a direct metaphor about the entering, but like it spoke more of how the narrator's own mind was drifting away from the experience itself, and is instead is awed by the sensations in a "disembodied observer" sense
The dust bowl is coming alive. Filling
with flowers, a scented leaf dish on a kitchen table. Though I don't mind that this repeating image of flowers in a bowl is at the core of the poem, I don't think this iteration of it is particularly inspired or necessary, imo
But I've not seen these plants before.

Like I said, I quite liked the "disembodied" aspect of this, with the narrator not being wholly immersed in the sensation of sex but instead being fascinated by it. Interesting take

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback Addy I've personally marked this poem under "game try, but a miss."