A crow harassed a red-tailed hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes.
Crow tacked on escalator-steps of air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of raptor which, gray swimmer in smooth sky,
responded lazily on banking wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
the heavy hawk – designed for lethal strikes-
extended, turning altitude to speed
and left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of unconcerned assurance, mortal grace.
edit1;
A crow harassed a red-tailed hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
Crow tacked on escalator-steps of air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of raptor which, gray swimmer in smooth sky,
responded lazily on banking wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
the heavy hawk – designed for lethal strikes
with catching talons, hardened sickle beak -
extended, turning altitude to speed
and left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of unconcerned assurance, mortal grace.
original version;
I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor: smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.
I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor: smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.
A lot to enjoy here. When the verse is cooking, it's really strong and convincing on the mere basis of being tightly spun. The abandonment of articles was distracting for me and took me out of the voice. Some of the thematic thrust feels expected and unexciting, like the final couplet, which is too smugly epigrammatic for my taste, and kind of spoils the mystery of it all. The first three lines are very persuasive... then we seem to get a little carried away and much of what follows, to my ear, feels a bit rote, if well-executed.
I really should take more time to praise the acoustics throughout though, some excellent moments here, like "a blowing chuff of chaff not worth attacking" or "position to attack, to stoop, to nip"
I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor: smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.
The first line recalls Hopkins’s poem, which is unfair for any poem.
Removing the “I watched” might help there
The last line is the whole point of the poem, but it’s not all that stunning, and comes after a lot of convoluted narration. The payoff just isn’t there. Or as they say, the juice doesn’t justify the squeeze.
I think you’d need to pare it down a fair bit, keeping just the most striking parts (pun unintended)
A crow harassed a red-tailed hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
Crow tacked on escalator-steps of air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of raptor which, gray swimmer in smooth sky,
responded lazily on banking wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
the heavy hawk – designed for lethal strikes
with catching talons, hardened sickle beak -
extended, turning altitude to speed
and left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of unconcerned assurance, mortal grace.
Thanks to both critics. Among other changes, I introduced an article or two and toned down "the lesson" at the end a bit. It came out only one line shorter, but - more animated? And I took myself, and my viewpoint, out.
I had somehow missed the Hopkins sonnet. And being too rule-bound to appreciate it anyway, did not mean to emulate.
(07-09-2026, 05:55 AM)milo Wrote: At others
Catching talons
edit2;
A crow harassed a red-tailed hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes.
Crow tacked on escalator-steps of air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of raptor which, gray swimmer in smooth sky,
responded lazily on banking wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
the heavy hawk – designed for lethal strikes-
extended, turning altitude to speed
and left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of unconcerned assurance, mortal grace.
@milo - You're right, those lines were unnecessary. Sometimes I wonder why I write things like that... or leave them in.
(07-09-2026, 05:55 AM)milo Wrote: At others
Catching talons
edit2;
A crow harassed a red-tailed hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes.
Crow tacked on escalator-steps of air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of raptor which, gray swimmer in smooth sky,
responded lazily on banking wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
the heavy hawk – designed for lethal strikes-
extended, turning altitude to speed
and left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of unconcerned assurance, mortal grace.
@milo - You're right, those lines were unnecessary. Sometimes I wonder why I write things like that... or leave them in.
Better. Still think this poem wants off the triggering subject instead of honing in on a preconceived moral which is then made explicit in the final couplet. But that may be a matter of taste. I find the approach here too romantic to really land in 2026, personally.
Would love some more variety with register, "flapping hard sometimes" was a nice moment of mixing high and low.
A crow harassed a red-tailed hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes.
Crow tacked on escalator-steps of air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of raptor which, gray swimmer in smooth sky,
responded lazily on banking wings. Very pretty to read aloud, and a clear image.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
the heavy hawk – designed for lethal strikes-
extended, turning altitude to speed
and left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking but endowed a blowing chuff of chaff - beautiful
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of unconcerned assurance, mortal grace.
edit1;
A crow harassed a red-tailed hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
Crow tacked on escalator-steps of air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of raptor which, gray swimmer in smooth sky,
responded lazily on banking wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
the heavy hawk – designed for lethal strikes
with catching talons, hardened sickle beak -
extended, turning altitude to speed
and left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of unconcerned assurance, mortal grace.
original version;
I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor: smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.
Hey Duke, this is beautiful, and the second edit is much stronger than the orginal.
Non-practicing atheist
