Unequal Contest

[dukealien]

Unequal Contest


I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor:  smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.

[matsunosuperfan]

Unequal Contest


I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor:  smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.

A lot to enjoy here. When the verse is cooking, it's really strong and convincing on the mere basis of being tightly spun. The abandonment of articles was distracting for me and took me out of the voice. Some of the thematic thrust feels expected and unexciting, like the final couplet, which is too smugly epigrammatic for my taste, and kind of spoils the mystery of it all. The first three lines are very persuasive... then we seem to get a little carried away and much of what follows, to my ear, feels a bit rote, if well-executed.

I really should take more time to praise the acoustics throughout though, some excellent moments here, like "a blowing chuff of chaff not worth attacking" or "position to attack, to stoop, to nip"

[busker]

Unequal Contest


I watched a crow harass a hawk today,
black gestures twisting, flapping hard sometimes;
at others, canny turns against soft blue.
As natural, almost, as Nemesis,
crow tacked against resistance of scorched air
and struggled to gain place above, in front
of cloud-gray raptor:  smooth, invisible,
responding lazily on outspread wings.
Each time the striving crow had almost gained
position to attack, to stoop, to nip,
hawk’s weight - designed for lethal diving strikes
with hardened bone and muscle, corvo beak -
extended, trading altitude for speed
which left the crow behind, a blowing chuff
of chaff not worth attacking, but endowed
with wild ambition, laughter in the face
of beauty, grace, assured mortality.

The first line recalls Hopkins’s poem, which is unfair for any poem. 
Removing the “I watched” might help there 

The last line is the whole point of the poem, but it’s not all that stunning, and comes after a lot of convoluted narration. The payoff just isn’t there. Or as they say, the juice doesn’t justify the squeeze.

I think you’d need to pare it down a fair bit, keeping just the most striking parts (pun unintended)