No title yet [Little Things]

[brynmawr1]

Isn’t this the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other
 
when one stirs, the other
half-awake murmurs
in her half-awake voice
 
hmmm, good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair wondering
 
is it the shampoo or perfume,
Antonio’s Flowers?
that makes you think of nothing
 
but her blue eyes, how she held you
in that first gaze a little too long
and that unexpected laugh
 
when she learned your mother
and her favorite doll
had the same name. I love you
 
you say to the back of her head
 
to the sound of even breathing
bodies two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets, all drifting into sleep
 
Isn’t that the way it is?

Isn’t that the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other
 
one stirring, the other
half-awake murmuring
in her half-awake voice
 
good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair
 
only to get lost again in her scent
shampoo and perfume
Antonio’s Flowers you think
 
in that moment for a moment
you are nothing but blue eyes
moving across the lobby holding
 
you in her gaze just long enough
to undo you, and the belly laugh
when she learned your mother
 
and her favorite doll growing up
had the same name. I love you
you say to the back of her head
 
to the sound of even breathing
your legs two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets as you drift into sleep
 
Isn’t that the way it is?

[matsunosuperfan]

Isn’t that the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other unnecessary prologue, not immediately engaging and the language is flat. stronger without! 
  
one stirring, the other
half-awake murmuring
in her half-awake voice  effective use of repetition!
 
good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair   a simple detail, nicely phrased

[only to get lost again in her scent] cliche; rephrase
shampoo and perfume
Antonio’s Flowers you think
 
in that moment for a moment
you are nothing but blue eyes
moving across the lobby holding  this is compelling enough language, but I find the implied action confusing. who is blue eyes? what does it mean to be nothing but blue eyes moving across the lobby? 
 
you in her gaze just long enough
to [undo you,] and [the belly laugh] more cliches that don't seem to be repurposed or recontextualized enough to justify their presence
when she learned your mother
 
and her favorite doll growing up
had the same name. I love you  hard to avoid feeling that things are getting pretty wet :/ 
you say to the back of her head  
 
to the sound of even breathing
your legs two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets as you drift into sleep this is sweet, and I like the use of metaphor
 
Isn’t that the way it is? for me, much more impactful if unanticipated

I like the mood and lingering rhythm of this poem. I think it needs another thread of significance to be really convincing; at present, it feels like something that would be nice to receive as a love note of sorts, but I struggle to plumb more depth. Not that a poem need be more than a love note, but I like the idea of asking "isn't this how it is?"--but that gesture, I think, wants a meatier bone of sense to chew on. The whole project is dangerously familiar in tone and language, so I think something needs to shake things up and complicate the expected trajectories of either diction or image or sentiment--preferably all of the above. The "two peninsulas" and the "sea of pets" were my favorite moments, I think no coincidence that this is where the speaker finds the most novel figuration and brings the occasion more vividly into their own lexicon. 

But yeah - if the point is to ask, "Isn't that the way it is?" I think we want and deserve a more fulsome or at least a more provocative suggestion of what "the way" here consists in. Like, I think if it's more than just the bare facts of the occasion, that would be great. We get some breadcrumbs in that direction from the mother's favorite doll, but it's still scant eating. I'm interested, invested even, and would love to be offered more food. 

Thanks for sharing your work with me <3

[wasellajam]

Hi, bryn, a lovely read.

Isn’t that the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other
You might consider 25 Years as a title.
The way it is:
(something atmospheric)
lying next to each other 

one stirring, the other
half-awake murmuring
in her half-awake voice
 
good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair
I like "one stirring", makes it clear that it's not just one coming to bed later, I think that's why I'd like L2 to bring me into the dark room.
 
only to get lost again in her scent
shampoo and perfume
Antonio’s Flowers you think
 
in that moment for a moment
you are nothing but blue eyes
moving across the lobby holding
 
you in her gaze just long enough
to undo you, and the belly laugh
when she learned your mother
 
and her favorite doll growing up
had the same name. I love you
you say to the back of her head
The first "you" (you are nothing but blue eyes) is confusing, can't parse it. Other than that these lines are strong, the feeling of being undone in that first moment, the sound of her belly laugh (her ability to belly laugh) and the hilarious mother/doll thing.
 
to the sound of even breathing
your legs two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets as you drift into sleep
Love the sea of pets.
 
Isn’t that the way it is?
I don't think you need this line, the reader knows, and it doesn't seem like this couple needs our reassurance.

Thanks for posting this, I enjoyed the read.

[busker]

Isn’t that the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other ... the detail makes it a trifle too sentimental
 
one stirring, the other
half-awake murmuring 
in her half-awake voice  ... prosaic
 
good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair
 
only to get lost again in her scent
shampoo and perfume ... too direct, almost prosaic
Antonio’s Flowers you think
 
in that moment for a moment
you are nothing but blue eyes 
moving across the lobby holding ... the anecdote goes on for too long
 
you in her gaze just long enough
to undo you, and the belly laugh
when she learned your mother
 
and her favorite doll growing up
had the same name. I love you
you say to the back of her head
 
to the sound of even breathing
your legs two peninsulas separated  ... this is a good line
by a sea of pets as you drift into sleep ... 'a sea of pets', you mean literal pets - dogs, cats? that would be a cute image, but it's unclear. The other sea of 'pets', with the verb, doesn't quite work
  
Isn’t that the way it is?

Hi bryn - I think it's great as a Valentine's note to the missus, but as a poem it's overly sentimental.
I think it needs a fairly substantial pruning and the occassional flash of insight

[Wjames]

Isn’t that the way it is
after 25 years
lying next to each other
 
one stirring, the other
half-awake murmuring
in her half-awake voice I like the repetition here.
 
good night sweetie
and you turn
your face in her hair
 
only to get lost again in her scent
shampoo and perfume I think this line is sort of generic - how does her shampoo and perfume smell? Could just cut this line imo or make it more specific.
Antonio’s Flowers you think
 
in that moment for a moment
you are nothing but blue eyes
moving across the lobby holding
 
you in her gaze just long enough
to undo you, and the belly laugh
when she learned your mother This is a fantastic line break.
 
and her favorite doll growing up
had the same name. I love you
you say to the back of her head
 
to the sound of even breathing
your legs two peninsulas separated do you need 'your'?
by a sea of pets as you drift into sleep
 
Isn’t that the way it is? Another lovely repitition.

Hey bryn, I really enjoyed this one. 

A beautiful image of profound routine, nicely conversational.

[brynmawr1]

Thanks you all that have read and commented. I have been laid up lately without the energy to adequately respond to everyone's excellent observations and suggestions. I do appreciate your time and insights. I have been mulling over each or your perspectives and am continuing to refine the poem within my recent limitations.
Thanks again,
Bryn

[brynmawr1]

edit posted

[matsunosuperfan]

edit posted

Good edits. Like it better than before. Still feels a bit flat to me, I'm afraid. Still mostly just "nice" despite my efforts to mine more depth of feeling. 
Think it should be shorter or considerably different and perhaps a bit longer. Needs either an injection of complicating sensibility, or to be trimmed of cruft and distilled for intensity of feeling. I can see this working out in final form as one of those WCW style "shot of moment" things:

The Nightingales
by William Carlos Williams 

My shoes as I lean
unlacing them
stand out upon
flat worsted flowers
under my feet.
Nimbly the shadows
of my fingers play
unlacing
over shoes and flowers.

---

after 25 years 
when one stirs, the other
murmurs

in her half-awake voice
and you turn
your face in her hair 
 
is it the shampoo or 
Antonio’s Flowers?
that perfume 

makes you think of nothing
but blue eyes, how she held you
in that first gaze just a little

too long, and that unexpected laugh
when your mother
and her favorite doll

shared a name. you say it 
to the back of her head,
to the sound of even breathing

bodies
two peninsulas separated
by a sea of pets
--

for instance, I find something like this much more suggestive and impactful