A Sworn Statement (new title: Fool's Gold)

[TranquillityBase]

Fool’s Gold

Backlit by dawn, 
cirrus clouds guide the sky,
a hemisphere of dominance
before consciousness fragments
the oneness of first waking.

Morning’s lucidity
crowded out of the alembic
by the homunculi 
of memory, movement, and recognition
into another day
where it fades 
another failed experiment
for my alchemist spirit. 

A Sworn Statement

Powdered pearl dusts the sky
to the west, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine
and consciousness before the fall
into social confusion fragments
the solitude of first awakening.

Memory arrives with its clattering 
like the wheels of  a wooden cart
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs
demanding recognition and return.
Flesh and blood suck up gravity
until muscles rebel against immobility.

Eyes revert to the day’s pavement,
ears to the interruptions of action.
Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.
This is the testimony of my loss.

[Semicircle]

A Sworn Statement

Powdered pearl dusts the sky               I like how this starts off dreamlike before becoming more concrete, like you are gaining your bearings in the morning.
to the west, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine
and consciousness before the fall
into social confusion fragments
the solitude of first awakening.                 Awakening sounds clunky. Waking would suffice.

Memory arrives with its clattering 
like the wheels of  a wooden cart       
weighed down with the revolution              Best stanza.
of bodily functions, heart and lungs               
demanding recognition and return.
Flesh and blood suck up gravity
until muscles rebel against immobility.   

These last two lines of the stanza are my favorite, but I read the poem without them and it flows much better. They trip you up.

Eyes revert to the day’s pavement,
ears to the interruptions of action.
Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.
This is the testimony of my loss.

Hi Tranq,
I like this one a lot. It does a good job of describing the solitude of mundanity and the natural morning cycle. The title is confusing to me, I will have to read this one over a couple more times. Good job.

....

A separation should be exaggerated more in

"Flesh and blood suck up gravity                                    
until muscles rebel against immobility."     

The decision between rest and action is immediate. I dislike until.

....

This is my most immediate critique, I might have more to say later.

Thanks for posting,
SemiC
 

[CircleWalker]

A Sworn Statement

Powdered pearl dusts the sky
to the west, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine
and consciousness before the fall
into social confusion fragments
the solitude of first awakening.

Memory arrives with its clattering 
like the wheels of  a wooden cart
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs
demanding recognition and return.
Flesh and blood suck up gravity
until muscles rebel against immobility.

Eyes revert to the day’s pavement,
ears to the interruptions of action.
Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.
This is the testimony of my loss.

I am not a poet's poet. And I'm fine with that. It's not my goal. With that said, I find it difficult to critique an outstanding work such as this.  Yet, I will give it a go.

Overall, it flows beautifully ... smoothly rolling off the tongue IMO ... painting pictures in the mind as well as describing what seems to me to be a struggling transition to awaken (to simply get out of bed) ... to greet a day which presents itself with more than the usual routine of existence ... social confusion fragments ... Words flee back into silence of thought, uncertain, self-doubting ... disbelief.

I found the Title confusing until I had read it 2 or 3 times. Then, at least for me, I found the word that ties to it ... testimony. A Sworn Statement ... a testimony ... the testimony of my loss.

Also, I agree with Semicircle. The last 2 lines of the 2nd stanza "Flesh and blood ..." are, in a stand alone way, excellent. However, they audibly detract from the flow (if my phrasing makes sense). They can be dropped completely IMO and the stanza would seem complete and meaningful and smooth. I'm not sure exactly how to put this, but saying "suck up" is too abrupt IMO both audibly and conceptually. There may be a smoother way to phrase it, but those are my thoughts.

Finally, I will add that I love the alliteration in the first 2 stanzas. At least I believe that is the proper term. Powdered/pearl ... dusts/dawn/dominance/dancing ... caffeine/consciousness/confusion ... etc.

Thanks for sharing.

[Knot]

Hi TqB,
strong start, but I'm afraid I couldn't follow you into verse three. Got totally lost.
Each verse seems to be about two lines too long, might be worth a prune here and there.

S1 - could almost hear it sung, and the (to me) assonance between pearl and fall works really well.

S2 - is there anything more evocative/interesting than the rather 'plain' arrives?
S3 - same objection to flee back

S2 - Struggle a bit with both revolution and return (doesn't the first imply the second?) And what is demanding recognition?

S3 - what's the difference between uncertain, self-doubting and disbelief?


To the west powdered pearl
dusts the sky, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine

and consciousness before the fall.

Memory comes with its clattering
like the wheels of a wooden cart
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs

demanding recognition and return.

Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.

This is the testimony of my loss.


Best, Knot


.

[busker]

1715436771[/url]']
A Sworn Statement

Powdered pearl dusts the sky
to the west, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine
and consciousness before the fall
into social confusion fragments
the solitude of first awakening. …. There’s a lot going on in these lines. Can’t say I like all of it. “Powdered pearl” doesn’t do it for me. Nor “dancing to the tune of” - both are cliche / cliche bordering  

Memory arrives with its clattering 
like the wheels of  a wooden cart … would it be better to lose the “with its”?
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs
demanding recognition and return.
Flesh and blood suck up gravity
until muscles rebel against immobility. …. Bodily functions, demanding recognition, rebel against immobility are all heavy handed 

Eyes revert to the day’s pavement,
ears to the interruptions of action.
Words flee back into the silence … retreat rather than flee back? Love the idea, though 
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.
This is the testimony of my loss. … a good last line 

Hi TqB - this one’s the Titus Andronicus of your oeuvre, but I’m sure you can do something with it

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks to all for your critiques.

As usual, when I start editing, I end up with a completely different poem.  But I think this one more precisely relates what I wanted to say.

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB
Like the new title, and the second stanza, but I can't see what S1 is bringing to the piece. Do you really need it? S2 seems complete without it.

Homunculi gives me pause. Similarly crowded.
Just looked up homunculi and I sit corrected. Objection withdrawn, but ... crowded remains. (Also, could you not find more medieval terms for
of memory, movement, and recognition ?
They seem a little too contemporary.)


Best, Knot
.

[Wjames]

Fool’s Gold

Backlit by dawn, 
cirrus clouds guide the sky,
a hemisphere of dominance
before consciousness fragments
the oneness of first waking.  I like the image of the cirrus cloud representing oneness - the wisps are all part of one pattern rather than distinct shapes unto themselves.

Morning’s lucidity 
crowded out of the alembic
by the homunculi  I needed a dictionary here, but I like the sounds and words, and idea.
of memory, movement, and recognition
into another day
where it fades I think you could use this 'it' to add something more interesting. Obviously 'it' is the lucidity, but if you change 'it' to something else, I think lucidity fading will still be in there. i.e 'where oil is not water' - some sort of image of separation?
another failed experiment I think you need some punctuation after the following line, before this one.
for my alchemist spirit. 

A Sworn Statement

Powdered pearl dusts the sky
to the west, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine
and consciousness before the fall
into social confusion fragments
the solitude of first awakening.

Memory arrives with its clattering 
like the wheels of  a wooden cart
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs
demanding recognition and return.
Flesh and blood suck up gravity
until muscles rebel against immobility.

Eyes revert to the day’s pavement,
ears to the interruptions of action.
Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.
This is the testimony of my loss.

Hey Tranquil, I think the edit is improved.

I like the first stanza because it adds some clarity to what the lucidity is - the sort of eastern I am nothing, I am a part of everything feeling.

I like the title as well, if sleep is fool's gold, what is true gold? Death?

I enjoyed it, good stuff.

[brynmawr1]

Fool’s Gold

Backlit by dawn, 
cirrus clouds guide the sky,           I think you could do more with this line; get more abstract less literal.  specifically cirrus and guide. Get crazy but relevant, give context.
a hemisphere of dominance          invert  "dominance of a hemisphere"  hemisphere seems the dominant word here. also connotations of brain.  even hemispheres, cut 'a'
before consciousness fragments
the oneness of first waking.       I liked solitude.  cut 'first'; both for rhythm and redundancy.

Morning’s lucidity
crowded out of the alembic torn about these two lines. The vocabulary seems too much.  miss the clattering wheels.  Alternate below.
by the homunculi

Morning's lucidity arrives
clattering wheels of a wooden cart (could even make 'clattering' its own line)
revolutions
of memory....
 
of memory, movement, and recognition    I like the rhythm of this line but maybe end with a dash-
into another day    cut this for echo with penultimate line
where it fades 
another failed experiment
for my alchemist spirit. maybe 'of' or 'this'?  or cut 'for my'  and just use 'of'. The 'alchemist' is great. and the slant rhyme.

A Sworn Statement

Powdered pearl dusts the sky
to the west, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine
and consciousness before the fall
into social confusion fragments
the solitude of first awakening.

Memory arrives with its clattering 
like the wheels of  a wooden cart
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs
demanding recognition and return.
Flesh and blood suck up gravity
until muscles rebel against immobility.

Eyes revert to the day’s pavement,
ears to the interruptions of action.
Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.
This is the testimony of my loss.

hey TqB,
There is much of the first version that I miss.  I find it hard to mess with your voice.  I think we would be better off designing courses divining your meaning than, well, what we are doing.  But isn't being a back seat driver so much easier!?
Take care,
bryn

[armadillosarecool]

TqB,

I've been keeping my eye on this thread to see where this poem goes, and really like your new version. I've got a few things to say, but mostly "well done."

Fool’s Gold this title makes more sense, and the new theme of the poem feels more focused and put-together. 

Backlit by dawn,
cirrus clouds guide the sky, 
a hemisphere of dominance how is the sky dominant? I guess just by being everywhere?
before consciousness fragments
the oneness of first waking. this line is absolutely gorgeous

Morning’s lucidity's or something like that, "Morning's lucidity crowded.." doesn't read smoothly
crowded out of the alembic I like this line, it provides a tense feeling
by the homunculi  this image feels disjointed from the previous line. i m
of memory, movement, and recognition
into another day
where it fades;
another failed experiment
for my alchemist spirit. "for" doesn't seem quite right to me... maybe "from" or something like that? it just seems off a bit as is


Overall, great stuff. I'll be keeping tabs to see where it goes!

Best,

aac