Touch Barrier - Edit 1

[Wjames]

Pretending to read a book with one eye on the door
from a small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
gravity and light.

You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather.

The mumbled it’s nice to meet you’s and coffee orders
project through film. At the table, you talk about the cat
in one of the pictures on her profile.

She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something you might hum in the shower
years after you last heard it.

She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath.

In a silence, her brown eyes lock with yours.

She leans in to place her drink on the table
and your neck inches forward
before the door jingles open.

Her brother is an athlete and was the favourite child,
and she teaches dance on Sundays.

When the coffee’s finished,
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond.

Pretending to read a book
at the small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes
about the room.

You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather.

The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous
and coffee orders happen outside yourself.

At the table, you talk about the cat
in one of the pictures on her profile,
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.

She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear
and rises every few months to be hummed.

She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours.

When the drinks are finished,
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond.

[TranquillityBase]

Pretending to read a book
at the small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes
about the room.

You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,   I wonder about the lingering on the book.  You'd be searching for her just as she searches for you, wouldn't you?  Maybe "I close the book...."
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather.       my favorite line

The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous    you's (?)
and coffee orders happen outside yourself.         I get the meaning, but feel like there might be a more accurate way to say it

At the table, you talk about the cat
in one of the pictures on her profile,
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.

She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear                "buried in the ear" in more interesting than "buried in your mind", but the latter seems more accurate
and rises every few months to be hummed.

She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours.                    contact is made, barriers begin to fall

When the drinks are finished,      The drinks done, you rise together.
you stroll down the trail in the park   new sentence here
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond.

Hi Wjames,

This is a clearly visualized encounter, an excellent account of a first physical connection between two humans.  I am a little confused by the title.  I don't really see any barriers here.  The poem is wholly optimistic, making it very enjoyable to experience.  I really like the simple and hopeful ending that leaves the reader wondering what will happen next.  I wish it was happening to me 

TqB

[Wjames]

Thanks Tranquil, I agree with most of your points. I think I need to add some more (still optimistic) tension somewhere to this.

Your wonder about lingering on the book - in my mind, you are pretending to read the book because you are subtly scanning the room waiting for the date to arrive. Then when they arrive, you linger on the book pretending to be casual, even though you have already noticed them enter.

I'm not sure if I need to say that outright somehow, I think it might be implied just by pretending to read the book, but it may not be - and it is a bit of a clunky thing to try and say.

[Knot]

Hi Wjames.
liked the beginning and the end, but thought it lost its balance in the middle - 'outside yourself' lack detail, whereas 'a black foster ... salmon' contains too much, and none relevant ... at least as far as I can see.
Similarly, S5 seems to start something that never quite gets finished.

Touch Barrier ....... also confused by this.

Pretending to read a book ........... given 'You' in S2, shouldn't this begin with 'You're pretending ...'?
at the small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes .......... not a good place to break, and 'eyes about' seems odd (especially has you have the familiar - too familiar? - 'eyes lock' later.)
about the room. ..... is 'room' the right word? You're in a coffee shop of some kind, right?

You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather. ........ very nice line.

The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous
and coffee orders happen outside yourself. ........... do you need this? That the 'orders happen' can be inferred from 'at the table'.

At the table, you talk about the cat
in one of the pictures on her profile,
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.

She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear
and rises every few months to be hummed.

She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours.

When the drinks are finished, ............. thought it was 'coffee' - 'drinks' suggests alcohol.
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond. ..... it's a nice ending, just not sure why they are still together after the coffees, what happened? 'Eyes lock' doesn't seem sufficient, for me.


Best, Knot


.

[Wjames]

Thanks Knot, and thanks again Tranquil.

I made an edit, added some things, addressed most of your thoughts - I think it is much better now, not sure if I want to tinker with it anymore or not. Maybe I should add one conversation bit before the last stanza?

[brynmawr1]

Hi Wjames,
I am coming in very late but have to say I liked the original better.  The few snags are relatively minor.  I think you have captured the awkward moments of a new meeting well.  There is a lot of banality that happens in these situations.  I, of course, have some suggestions.  Overall, strong piece despite any quipping!


Pretending to read a book                    I like the change with the bell but this first stanza is trying to convey too much information making it choppy. Maybe make it into two.
at the small round table by the window 
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes
about the room.

You linger on the book before meeting her gaze, 
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather.           Also my favorite line.  Love the connotation of grey talk also modifying the weather, brilliant!

The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous
and coffee orders happen outside yourself.  It just occurred to me that you could fold this into the previous stanza still ending with quipping line.

At the table, you talk about the cat     Fidgeting with cups/coffee/other.....
in one of the pictures on her profile,   I think the rest of the stanza could be tightened but I think this is part of the banal conversation that happens when two people first meet.
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.

She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear
and rises every few months to be hummed.          this was one of my favorite stanzas

She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours.                     this stanza didn't do much for me and would have liked it earlier but not sure where, maybe cut it.

When the drinks are finished,
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond.     so, there's a little ambiguity here. A little frustrating but that's not all bad.