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Crossing guard whistles
honk a mother's tears,
balloons in autumn
rise and burst.
I struggle not to turn.
The twitching finger
of a surgeon or a cowboy
in pale light, the heart surge
after touching eyes with a future lover
on the walk to work
shattered glass
is swept into a bin.
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Hello 
I’m not 100% sure what’s happening here. I get the impression that this might be about a driver attempting to avoid hitting someone with their car, getting into an accident and then possibly dying?
If that’s what’s happening, I’m not sure the picture is painted clearly. However, I recognize that it’s a wide world and that a certain amount of opacity may have been part of the design. Even so, I found myself wishing for more clarity.
For instance:
- I didn’t understand “drum skin” at first, but I assume this is referencing the ear drum.
- I’m not sure why the balloons burst. I understand that all free-range balloons  eventually pop, but this seems to happen quickly in the timeline of the poem.
- If the narrator is avoiding hitting someone, it seems like they would try to turn, instead of trying not to turn.
- I don’t understand the cowboy. I understood his role in The Village People, but here I am lost
- The heart surge is maybe a pleasant vision before death?
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In general, a piece must have meaning or lyricism to be successful. In this one, the meaning is 
Therefore, you need lyricism. It doesn't read badly by any means. However, in order to compensate for the nonsense, you need a stronger pulse and more emphasis on sonics, in my opinion.
If it's an ekphrastic piece (written in response to another piece of art), you would be able to post an image with the poem in Misc., but I don't think that mild will allow you to do that.
If it's a dream, you need to flesh out your images before moving on to the next one.
I like a couple of your lines (the balloons rising in autumn -- although, why especially autumn?) and the foreboding of a surgeon's hand or a high noon standoff with twitchy trigger fingers. And I like the gaze between future lovers, but nothing's quite coming together as a cohesive whole. Rhythm and rhyme would help with that.
Some forms like the pantoum, the villanelle, and the sestina lend themselves well to a dreamy kind of feeling because of the repetitions, if that's the effect you're going for.
Even a storyline of sorts would help. A character or narrator moving through a scene would give the reader an anchor point.
Hope this helps,
Lizzie
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Thank you both, Fearful and Lizzie - I think this one can be improved a lot.
I've made an edit making it more clear, I think, but I do think there can be benefits to having things not be entirely clear.
To me, meaning or lyricism aren't what makes a poem succesful, feeling is - and feeling often isn't clear. Lyricism and meaning can enhance feeling, but to me they are tools towards that end, not the end itself. Of course, these last two sentences are a sorry bit of mumbo jumbo.
I think I might try and add another verse or two to this one if I can.
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"Crossing guard whistles
pierce drum skin,
balloons in autumn
rise and burst."
I kind of like the reflection, the complimentary images of a thin drum skin
being pierced and thin balloons bursting. I sort of assumed that it was the
guard's whistle piercing an eardrum... made sense. That all this happens
while walking to work would be more than enough narrative for me, but
my interpretation has all of the elements, except two, tightly connected
into a single story. One of the freedoms I enjoy when reading a poem is
that some of the poem's creation is left up to me; that my version, my feeling,
is unique to me. One suggestion you might think about would be to remove
that comma after "work" in the line "on the walk to work, ".
Then both
"after touching eyes with a future lover on the walk to work"
and
"on the walk to work shattered glass is swept into a bin"
can be read.
It's like having a haiku where the turning point can be interpreted as coming
after either the first line and the second line. The conflicted unity that juxtaposition
causes pleasantly tickles my brain.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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(10-16-2023, 01:01 PM)Wjames Wrote: To me, meaning or lyricism aren't what makes a poem succesful, feeling is - and feeling often isn't clear. Lyricism and meaning can enhance feeling, but to me they are tools towards that end, not the end itself. Of course, these last two sentences are a sorry bit of mumbo jumbo.
I think I might try and add another verse or two to this one if I can.
I think that we're saying the same thing, essentially. As far as eliciting feeling, yes meaning and lyricism work together to that end. In terms of your POV, are you hoping to get the reader to feel a specific feeling or just a feeling?
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(10-16-2023, 02:16 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: "Crossing guard whistles
pierce drum skin,
balloons in autumn
rise and burst."
I kind of like the reflection, the complimentary images of a thin drum skin
being pierced and thin balloons bursting. I sort of assumed that it was the
guard's whistle piercing an eardrum... made sense. That all this happens
while walking to work would be more than enough narrative for me, but
my interpretation has all of the elements, except two, tightly connected
into a single story. One of the freedoms I enjoy when reading a poem is
that some of the poem's creation is left up to me; that my version, my feeling,
is unique to me. One suggestion you might think about would be to remove
that comma after "work" in the line "on the walk to work, ".
Then both
"after touching eyes with a future lover on the walk to work"
and
"on the walk to work shattered glass is swept into a bin"
can be read.
It's like having a haiku where the turning point can be interpreted as coming
after either the first line and the second line. The conflicted unity that juxtaposition
causes pleasantly tickles my brain.
Hey Ray, thanks for reading - I like your idea about removing that comma, I removed it. I changed the 'pierce drum skin' line - I did kind of like that connection, but I think the line on its own was the weakest in the poem. Not 100 % sure about the change.
(10-19-2023, 12:56 AM)Lizzie Wrote: I think that we're saying the same thing, essentially. As far as eliciting feeling, yes meaning and lyricism work together to that end. In terms of your POV, are you hoping to get the reader to feel a specific feeling or just a feeling?
I think I was mainly talking about imagery not being included with lyricism and meaning - imagery is sort of the essence/base of feeling. i.e 'a lick of ice cream' is an image/sensation that is full of feelings, but not necessarily meaning or lyricism.
Any strong feeling someone could have is good, though, even if it's not necessarily the one intended. I wanted the images to kind of merge in to one feeling - sort of a steely optimism aimed toward the future, not looking back. It is sort of the same thought for a poem as another one I wrote you were helping me with, Open Field - except a bit darker.
A better writer than I would not say that - they'd let the work do the talking and if it wasn't talking, make it better.
I hope to back to this one, and add more to it.
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