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On The Seventh Day
On the seventh day
god rested but the serpent
did not. He set about
making mortuaries & the clink
of ice inside a glass
of bourbon, each hushed
by the deep tao
of their own weary
obsolescence. Unexpectedly,
he mamboed past Security
& into the great
word press. He began
printing bones
on the backs of stars,
then the effortless
wisdom of fortune cookies.
Lastly, for himself, a desk calendar.
This year, he decided,
penciling it in,
would be the year
of the snake.
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Hi, Fearful Symmetry. This piece seems about half done. It would be nice to have the snake do 7 days of creating to give it some good....symmetry.
I think this piece is clever, with the beginning and ending especially. In the middle, it's a little hurried and muddled. It feels like a rough draft. Good content though.
(10-22-2023, 02:30 PM)Fearful Symmetry Wrote: On The Seventh Day
On the seventh day
god rested but the serpent
did not. He set about -- Being the pedantic twerp I am, technically "He" could modify the snake or could modify god. I get that you're talking about the snake, but clearing up that ambiguity would make the transition from stanza 1 and stanza 2 flow better.
making mortuaries & the clink -- I like an ampersand in titles, but not in the body of pieces. The reason is that it takes me out of the story and makes me wonder why it's there and if there's some deep significance.
of ice inside a glass
of bourbon, each hushed -- Mortuaries are already silent(ish), so I think that you should feature something that makes a sound to combine with the clattering ice.
by the deep tao
of their own weary
obsolescence. Unexpectedly, -- There's a kind of wry whimsy that I can get behind in this piece. I don't like "unexpectedly," and I think it's implied in the idea that he slipped past security. It's kind of clunky, and you don't need it anyway.
he mamboed past Security -- So, security is capitalized, which implies significance. But....that significance escapes me, so I can't tell you if this bit is good or not. I do like what you did with mamboed, like the black mamba. Again, clever, but that only takes you so far if you don't develop the rest of your details; otherwise, the piece is too skeletal and exists only to display a few shiny ornaments.
& into the great -- I'm thinking this is the Gutenberg press? If it's just books and writing in general, it's too vague to be meaningful.
word press. He began
printing bones
on the backs of stars, -- Like a tramp stamp of the coccyx on a celebrity?  No idea.
then the effortless
wisdom of fortune cookies. -- Effortless is good, but it could be a bit more scathing, give a little bit more edge.
Lastly, for himself, a desk calendar. -- The dreadful evil of the office cubicle. I fully agree with the point I think you're making.
This year, he decided, -- Like a New Year's resolution; clever again. But, do the Chinese make New Year's resolutions? I don't know, but if you're going to reference the Chinese zodiac, I would make it a point to know.
penciling it in, -- So much banality and practicality. I can see Mr. Mamba, in his office chair with his bow tie and reading glasses.
would be the year
of the snake. -- Yessssssss
It's a very loosely connected series of things that seem serious but not. I found it entertaining, so I hope you weren't going for deeply contemplative.
I just think you need to put some meat on the bones.
Overall, I found it to be a pleasing and imaginative bite.
Best,
Obnoxious Mollusk Geezersnaps
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Thanks O.M. for taking the time to provide feedback, I greatly appreciate it 
You’ve brought up a lot of good points which I will now proceed to mull over. Except the tramp stamp comment. That will make me mull and giggle 
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(10-22-2023, 02:30 PM)Fearful Symmetry Wrote: On The Seventh Day
On the seventh day
god rested but the serpent
did not. He set about
making mortuaries & the clink
of ice inside a glass
of bourbon, each hushed
by the deep tao
of their own weary
obsolescence. Unexpectedly,
he mamboed past Security
& into the great
word press. He began
printing bones
on the backs of stars,
then the effortless
wisdom of fortune cookies.
Lastly, for himself, a desk calendar.
This year, he decided,
penciling it in,
would be the year
of the snake.
Hello Fearful Symmetry,
I quite like this as is. On first reading, I was a bit put off by third stanza, e.g. taking the name of the Tao in vain, but I'm over that now. It pulls the reader along and into its wry worldview to a satisfying ending. My only suggestion is to capitalize God and Tao and maybe even Serpent.
I interpret poems in my heart, not my head, and this one is both fun and serious at the same time, and hit me where I live. I have no idea what "printing bones/on the backs of stars" means, but I don't care because its my favorite bit, although almost every stanza has something I wish I had written.
TqB
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Thanks Tranquility, those are good suggestions, and thanks for your kind words 
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Joined: Nov 2011
Truly appreciated:
"printing bones
on the backs of stars,"
Set off a delicious train of thoughts.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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rayheinrich dateline='[url=tel:1698184837' Wrote: 1698184837[/url]']
I've seen instances in the Marvel universe where the serpent wasn't a direct metaphor
for Satan, but was her minion. I can't help wondering that if the serpent was on the payroll,
did he get double overtime for working on Sunday. I guess this leads to the question of if
minions have formed effective unions. I know Satan wouldn't like it, but maybe God got in
there and organized them just to piss Satan off. If so, this might be an explanation for why
my cats seem so organized.
In my experience, cats aside, minions spend more time busting unions 
I'm also wondering if there are special pencils that make it easier for snakes to hold them.
Nah, they just use texssst to ssspeach.
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(10-25-2023, 12:30 PM)Fearful Symmetry Wrote: rayheinrich dateline='[url=tel:1698184837' Wrote: 1698184837[/url]']
I've seen instances in the Marvel universe where the serpent wasn't a direct metaphor
for Satan, but was her minion. I can't help wondering that if the serpent was on the payroll,
did he get double overtime for working on Sunday. I guess this leads to the question of if
minions have formed effective unions. I know Satan wouldn't like it, but maybe God got in
there and organized them just to piss Satan off. If so, this might be an explanation for why
my cats seem so organized.
In my experience, cats aside, minions spend more time busting unions
Yep. Well known in management; but, in my experience, quite a few of those sneaky critters
join unions and gum up any attempts at democratically running the damn things.
I'm also wondering if there are special pencils that make it easier for snakes to hold them.
Nah, they just use texssst to ssspeach.
You ARE clever.
Minions are clever.
While correlation doesn't imply causality, it's a necessary first condition.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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