Ode to Villans (First draft)

[Lawrence]

I'm going to add more to this. I just need a critique for what is here.
Thanks


I love all tales where villains win;
Villains who, at story’s end,
Are on the right side of a gun-
Regardless of the ills they’ve done

I love to watch the peasants weep
Or criminals outplay police
Or goblins pouring through a gate
Or flames consume the king’s estate.

And all the hero’s gallant dreams
Die beneath a guillotine;
No matter book or film or play
The end is always best that way-

Where not an ash of hope survives
No sequels, encores, seconds tries
The audience, as hush as stone-
Hands-in-pockets, shuffles home

[billy]

I'm going to add more to this. I just need a critique for what is here.
Thanks


I love all tales where villains win;
Villains who, at story’s end,
Are on the right side of a gun-
Regardless of the ills they’ve done we have the rhyme scheme and a decent opener

I love to watch the peasants weep
Or criminals outplay police
Or goblins pouring through a gate
Or flames consume the king’s estate. this one doesn't imply villans

And all the hero’s gallant dreams
Die beneath a guillotine;
No matter book or film or play
The end is always best that way-

Where not an ash of hope survives
No sequels, encores, seconds tries
The audience, as hush as stone-
Hands-in-pockets, shuffles home it's a slant rhyme at best

i haven't counted the meter but it reads okay, if i have a nit it's that it feels a little hallmarky. one of those rhyming poems that simply profess something yet has little real substance. i think each verse needs a simile or metaphor to take it out of the real of hall mark. i've read your poetry and i know you have a good imagination, and a good grasp of show don't tell. as it is reads well and flows well. for me it just needs a bit of depth. (jmo)

[heslopian]

Small typo in the title. This is rather brilliant. For some reason it reminds me of John Betjeman, perhaps in the rhyme and four line stanzas coupled with a bleak wit. As for edits:

I'm going to add more to this. I just need a critique for what is here.
Thanks


I love all tales where villains win; A comma should really go here, if any punctuation at all.
Villains who, at story’s end,
Are on the right side of a gun- Again could a comma go here? Love this line.
Regardless of the ills they’ve done Full stop needed.

I love to watch the peasants weep
Or criminals outplay police Excellent half rhyme of weep and police. Nice linguistic trickery there.
Or goblins pouring through a gate
Or flames consume the king’s estate. In this verse would "and"s work better than the "or"s, with a comma following each line? I think that would create a heavier landscape of destruction.

And all the hero’s gallant dreams In this context as plural it should be "heroes".
Die beneath a guillotine; Again, an amazing half rhyme, and also a pleasent sound compare between "gallant" and "guillotine."
No matter book or film or play
The end is always best that way- A full stop would go better here.

Where not an ash of hope survives
No sequels, encores, seconds tries Should be "second". Other than that this is very witty.
The audience, as hush as stone- Should be "hushed."
Hands-in-pockets, shuffles home Great ending, I like that you rounded off this piece with an image of people going home. I find that quite clever somehow.

[addy]

For the record, you've got a great foundation here for an excellent poem. Right off the bat it's witty and interesting, with a solid idea.

I love all tales where villains win;
Villains who, at story’s end,
Are on the right side of a gun- (Liked this line)
Regardless of the ills they’ve done (I would've liked "wrongs" over "ills" )

I love to watch the peasants weep (Sounds a tad bit like reveling in heroes losing rather than villains winning, which is semantics, I know, but at this point in the poem where you're starting to explain things it probably matters. Maybe instead of starting the next line with "or" you can start with "as" to connect it)
Or criminals outplay police
Or goblins pouring through a gate ("goblin" struck me as an odd choice, but it's a nice touch to the tone you're going for)
Or flames consume the king’s estate. (This line seems a little disconnected as well)

And all the hero’s gallant dreams
Die beneath a guillotine;
No matter book or film or play
The end is always best that way- (This line feels a little bland/obvious)

Where not an ash of hope survives (Using ash as a singular sounds a bit odd)
No sequels, encores, seconds tries
The audience, as hush as stone-
Hands-in-pockets, shuffles home (Good idea to end it at. It's quite inspired to expand this to a meta of the audience)

As much as I enjoyed the progression in terms of the kinds of stories described, I especially loved where you were going with it: the idea being that it's actually not about literally cheering evil over good, but about taking away the narrative moral safety net that makes for comfortable stories. The simple and fairy tale-like narration of the poem (describing heroes, goblins, kings) followed with the narrative lens suddenly zooming to the audience was therefore a very nice touch. You can enhance this aspect as you further build the poem (assuming that was your intention, and I'm not just misreading the tone)