(content warning) Writing With a Boner

[heslopian]

i always needed silence to work
silence of the mind as well as in the room
but now sitting here with constricted jeans
pausing to pull down my zip
just so the pressure will ease

lines still emerge like sunk artefacts
bobbing up through the scum
on the surface of a lake

i imagine your buttocks
small yet plump
dimpled and pitted through maturity
like fruit left on the loam to ripe
how i'd kneel down
and kiss each side
explore with trembling fingers
your waste

and then your navel like an eye
from where your mother's cord was cut
a relic saved for adulthood
so i could probe and study it

i always needed silence to work
silence of the mind as well as in the room
but now sitting here with constricted jeans
pausing to pull down my zip
just so the pressure will ease

lines still emerge like sunk artefacts
lines I've gleamed from your body

[addy]

i always needed silence to work
silence of the mind as well as in the room (I really like this line. Elegantly put.)
but now sitting here with constricted jeans
pausing to pull down my zip
just so the pressure will ease

lines still emerge like sunk artefacts
bobbing up through the scum (great image in these last two lines)
on the surface of a lake

i imagine your buttocks
small yet plump
dimpled and pitted through maturity
like fruit left on the loam to ripe (again great imagery)
how i'd kneel down
and kiss each side (I like how simple yet expressive this was)
explore with trembling fingers
your waste

and then your navel like an eye
from where your mother's cord was cut (These last two line are ace . Just perfect)
a relic saved for adulthood
so i could probe and study it (These lines were beautifully worded, but I'm struggling to decide if they add anything)

i always needed silence to work
silence of the mind as well as in the room (Though the repetition of the verse works, imo you don't need to repeat this line)
but now sitting here with constricted jeans
pausing to pull down my zip
just so the pressure will ease

lines still emerge like sunk artefacts
lines I've gleamed from your body (Very nice ending, imo. It makes me think of the dick as a divining wand )

Not much I can object to here, really. You have a talent for turning the crude into loveliness... great work as always.

[kath3]

I have to agree with Addy ... you do have a way of transforming the crude into loveliness (well put Addy )
Myself, I liked the repetition ... I enjoyed all of it as I usually do.

[heslopian]

Thank you both for your kind words and feedback Addy, I will think about removing that line. I kind of see what you mean. It doesn't really relate to what's been going in the verses before. And as for the navel stanza, if you think those lines don't add anything, you should see all the crap I edited out

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words and feedback Jenaka. The contradiction as I see it lies in how the narrator has an erection and is thus filled with lust, which opposes the calm of silence. But now I've written that explanation I can see how incredibly vague it is "Artefacts" is the correct spelling, at least according to my spell check.

[billy]

i always needed silence to work
silence of the mind as well as in the room this line feels a little redundant
but now sitting here with constricted jeans
pausing to pull down my zip
just so the pressure will ease for me this verse needs another line

lines still emerge like sunk artefacts
bobbing up through the scum
on the surface of a lake i like the image

i imagine your buttocks
small yet plump
dimpled and pitted through maturity
like fruit left on the loam to ripe should it be 'ripen'?
how i'd kneel down
and kiss each side
explore with trembling fingers
your waste

and then your navel like an eye
from where your mother's cord was cut
a relic saved for adulthood
so i could probe and study it

i always needed silence to work
silence of the mind as well as in the room
but now sitting here with constricted jeans
pausing to pull down my zip
just so the pressure will ease the reiteration would work on a longer poem but on such a short one it feels a bit cumbersome

lines still emerge like sunk artefacts
lines I've gleamed from your body (for some reason this line feels like love) i like it

nicely done jack.

for me the main nit is the reiteration of a whole verse in such a short poem, i feel cheated lol. as usual your descriptive narratives are really good.

[heslopian]

You don't like my second line?! I thought it was so clever at the time But yeah, in hindsight, it doesn't really mean anything much. I see your point about the repetition as well. Thanks for your feedback Billy.