The Five O'Clock Sun (revised)

[TranquillityBase]

The Five O’Clock Sun

Shade flourishes 
within a southerly breeze.

The dog and I sit 
listless on the stone patio
both of us anticipating 
the coming of dusk
after sheltering 
from unbroken heat
only to retreat again 
to our air conditioned asylum
the dog to sleep, 
while I read myself into oblivion.

Five o’clock is the signal 
for a subdued rejoicing
when we can see twilight 
rising from the ground up.
Clouds in the west 
build walls against the light.
The songs of the cicadas 
become sporadic.

We will come out again
after darkness dominates
to celebrate the quiet night.
We will rise before dawn 
to imbibe the tepid coolness
dreading sunrise
and another day’s ordeal
beneath a pitiless sun.

The Five O’Clock Sun  ver. 2



Shade flourishes within a southerly breeze.

It’s been a good day; I learned the word “tachistoscope”.



The dog and I lounge on the stone patio

both of us anticipating the little victory of dusk.



Deer wander the fence line, not exactly like beggars,

gazing hungrily at the delights of my wife’s gardens.



It was another day of sheltering from unbroken heat.

We come out every few hours to endure its firmament



then go back to air conditioned resurrection

the dog to sleep, myself to read or write



but five o’clock is a particular visitation

when we can begin to imagine evening’s liberation.



A cooling night is only a few hours away

clouds in the west build walls against the setting sun.



The songs of the cicadas begin to fade.

It’s the end of another day in this cruel summer’s passage.



I know there are more days to come, to endure.

What the dog know I’m not sure, but he’ll be with me.







The Five O’Clock Sun ver. 1







Shade flourishes within a southerly breeze.



It’s been a good day; I discovered the word “tachistoscope”.







The dog and I lounge on the stone patio



both of us anticipating the little victory of dusk.







Deer wander the fence line, not exactly like beggars,



gazing hungrily at the green of my wife’s gardens.







It was another day of sheltering from relentless heat.



We come out every few hours to feel its spell







then go back to air conditioned resurrection



the dog to sleep, myself to read or write







but five o’clock is a special visitation



when we can begin to imagine evening’s liberation.







Precious night is only a few hours away



clouds in the west build walls against the setting sun.







The songs of the cicadas begin to fade.



It’s the end of another day in summer’s passage.







We know there’s more to come.



Together we will endure them.

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB.

It falls at the final hurdle with 'endure' - too melodramatic for me.

I think you can pare it back a little.


The Five O’Clock Sun ............. nice title. Though 'Today I learned the word "Tachistoscope" would have grabbed me immediately.

The dog and I lounge on the stone patio ............ is there a better word than 'lounge' - seems rather at odds with all the talk of heat. Were you 'drooping'?
both of us anticipating the little victory of dusk. ... desperate for rather than anticipating?

It’s been a good day;
I learned the word “tachistoscope”. ............. love the word, but not seeing it reflected in the poem (am I missing it?) Also, how has it been a good day? You're 'enduring its firmament' a few lines later.)

Deer wander the fence line, not exactly like beggars,
gazing hungrily at the delights of my wife’s gardens. .......... can you build on 'beggars', 'gazing hungrily' isn't that engaging.

Deer wander the fence line, more gourmands
than beggars, inspecting the menu of my wife's garden.

It was another day of sheltering from unbroken heat.
We come out every few hours to endure its firmament ........ I think this could be cut or condensed. (Should 'come' be 'came'? Matching the tense of 'was'.)

All afternoon we've alternated between air conditioner
and unbroken heat. The dog to sleep, and I to read or write.

then go back to air conditioned resurrection
the dog to sleep, myself to read or write

but five o’clock is a particular visitation
when we can begin to imagine evening’s liberation. ...... trying a bit too hard? And do you need it. We already know what time it is.

A cooling night is only a few hours away. Clouds
in the west build walls against the setting sun. ..... should it be 'are building'?

The songs of the cicadas begin to fade.
It’s the end of another day in this cruel summer’s passage. ....... like the cicadas, but this line comes from nowhere (to me at least) and lands with a thud.

If, for some reason you had " tachistoscope" in the title, you might replace the 'good day' couplet with

It's been a good day and now the songs/chorus
of the cicadas are winding down (or something more lyrical/musical )

I know there are more days to come, to endure.
What the dog know I’m not sure, but he’ll be with me. ........... typo "knows" - Do you need 'to endure' - it's rather self-pitying, and without explanation.



Best, Knot


.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Tim-

I always appreciate your 'letters from Texas'. The use of the word 'tachistoscope' is quite appropriate considering the wisdom of only brief exposure under the unrelenting sun. The heat dome has expanded into Virginia now, too.

It literally ain't cool when you look forward to the night almost as soon as the sun rises.

- Mark

[busker]

‘Endure its firmament’ puzzled me, and then I saw Mark’s remark about the heat dome you’ve been having up north of the equator.
You could tighten it up and the rest if you really wanted to, but it’s also okay as the loose draft of a postcard poem.

[rowens]

Look forward to extra hours of zombifying sunlight in the early autumn evenings thinks to the Government.

[TranquillityBase]

.
Hi TqB.

It falls at the final hurdle with 'endure' - too melodramatic for me.

I think you can pare it back a little.


The Five O’Clock Sun ............. nice title. Though 'Today I learned the word "Tachistoscope" would have grabbed me immediately.

The dog and I lounge on the stone patio ............ is there a better word than 'lounge' - seems rather at odds with all the talk of heat. Were you 'drooping'?
both of us anticipating the little victory of dusk. ... desperate for rather than anticipating?

It’s been a good day;
I learned the word “tachistoscope”. ............. love the word, but not seeing it reflected in the poem (am I missing it?) Also, how has it been a good day? You're 'enduring its firmament' a few lines later.)

Deer wander the fence line, not exactly like beggars,
gazing hungrily at the delights of my wife’s gardens. .......... can you build on 'beggars', 'gazing hungrily' isn't that engaging.

Deer wander the fence line, more gourmands
than beggars, inspecting the menu of my wife's garden.

It was another day of sheltering from unbroken heat.
We come out every few hours to endure its firmament ........ I think this could be cut or condensed. (Should 'come' be 'came'? Matching the tense of 'was'.)

All afternoon we've alternated between air conditioner
and unbroken heat. The dog to sleep, and I to read or write.

then go back to air conditioned resurrection
the dog to sleep, myself to read or write

but five o’clock is a particular visitation
when we can begin to imagine evening’s liberation. ...... trying a bit too hard? And do you need it. We already know what time it is.

A cooling night is only a few hours away. Clouds
in the west build walls against the setting sun. ..... should it be 'are building'?

The songs of the cicadas begin to fade.
It’s the end of another day in this cruel summer’s passage. ....... like the cicadas, but this line comes from nowhere (to me at least) and lands with a thud.

If, for some reason you had " tachistoscope" in the title, you might replace the 'good day' couplet with

It's been a good day and now the songs/chorus
of the cicadas are winding down (or something more lyrical/musical )

I know there are more days to come, to endure.
What the dog know I’m not sure, but he’ll be with me. ........... typo "knows" - Do you need 'to endure' - it's rather self-pitying, and without explanation.



Best, Knot


.

Thanks Knot for your always perceptive critique.  I just got a new iPad and this was my first poem written in situ.  Originally I wasn't planning to do much more with it, but you've inspired me to revisit and revise.

Tim

---

Hello Tim-



I always appreciate your 'letters from Texas'. The use of the word 'tachistoscope' is quite appropriate considering the wisdom of only brief exposure under the unrelenting sun. The heat dome has expanded into Virginia now, too.



It literally ain't cool when you look forward to the night almost as soon as the sun rises.



- Mark

Thanks for the read Mark.  

"It literally ain't cool when you look forward to the night almost as soon as the sun rises."  Indeed.  I may need to steal this in some form and add it to the peom.

Tim

---

‘Endure its firmament’ puzzled me, and then I saw Mark’s remark about the heat dome you’ve been having up north of the equator.
You could tighten it up and the rest  if you really wanted to, but it’s also okay as the loose draft of a postcard poem.

Yep, "postcard poem" is a pretty good description, but Knot's challenge has got my juices flowing.  

---

Look forward to extra hours of zombifying sunlight in the early autumn evenings thinks to the Government.

Good to see you back Rowens.  "Zombifying heat" is on point.  Personally I blame climate change, not the Guvmint.

[Mark A Becker]

"It literally ain't cool when you look forward to the night almost as soon as the sun rises."  Indeed.  I may need to steal this in some form ..."

---

It ain't stealing if I say you can take it.  No credit sought, or required 

I swipe phrases regularly, and sometimes 're-purpose' entire ideas.

[TranquillityBase]

Revision posted.  

I dunno, this may be a just lot of fancy wordifying only to say "boy, it's hot here".

TqB

[Knot]

.

Hi Tim,

where'd the poetry go? This is very flat (though it does fit with 'listless')

By way of a nudge

Shade flourishes within a southerly breeze.


We will come out again
The dog and I
after darkness dominates
to celebrate the quiet night.

Once western clouds
have built their walls
and shrill cicadas cease
I will set down my books

and ...

(Bring back the deer!)



Best, Knot


.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again Tim-
You know me- edit means reduce, and I've reduced without changing a word:

Five O’Clock

The dog and I sit  Your dog's name could supply a bit of detail. Folks may guess you mean a dog, or not.
listless on the stone patio
anticipating dusk, after
sheltering from unbroken heat,
only to retreat again
to air conditioned asylum.

Five o’clock is the signal
for subdued rejoicing-
twilight rising 
from the ground up. a geographic location in this stanza could help, eg San Antonio, or other specific town
Clouds in the west build walls Along a mountain range? Another location detail could help.
against the pitiless sun.