Poetry Forum › Poetry Forum › Haiku, Senryu, Short Form Poetry.
disOrder

disOrder
Tiger the Lion Offline
The Whispered Roar
Posts: 751
Threads: 409
Joined: May 2014
#1
10-14-2022, 08:25 AM (This post was last modified: 10-14-2022, 10:15 PM by Tiger the Lion.)
a too-alive mind
hot-wired and jerry-rigged
will murder its host
Reply
dukealien Offline
Psychopomp and Circumstance
**********
Posts: 1,187
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
#2
10-14-2022, 09:52 PM
(10-14-2022, 08:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  a too alive mind
hot-wired and jerry-rigged
will murder its host

Nice (though I don't fancy slackers' chances, either).  A tiny suggestion:  hyphenate into "too-alive?"
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
Reply
Tiger the Lion Offline
The Whispered Roar
Posts: 751
Threads: 409
Joined: May 2014
#3
10-14-2022, 10:17 PM
(10-14-2022, 09:52 PM)dukealien Wrote:  
(10-14-2022, 08:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  a too alive mind
hot-wired and jerry-rigged
will murder its host
Nice (though I don't fancy slackers' chances, either).  A tiny suggestion:  hyphenate into "too-alive?"
Great catch Duke, thanks. Adds more to the connectivity level also.
Reply




Users browsing this thread:
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!