Lines Composed on a Near Pristine Day, Reflected in a Spoon
#1
Lines composed on a near-pristine day, reflected in a spoon

Bandit breezes, a tinge wealthier now
Having made off with encores of your fragrance-
Invisible You's: contracted no doubt
in some protracted embrace or in
appropriations of skin by the other.

Out there, taut, parted in red-sea fashion,
the rows of a virgin garden tilled for
the ambition of tomatoes and corn,
not remains of our fling, flung motionless,
like a prize baby-doll flailed till faceless.
My rupturing hands mold sadness in haste.
Reply
#2
I think this piece has some interesting lines: mostly like this one.

not remains of our fling, flung motionless,
like a prize baby-doll flailed till faceless.
My rupturing hands mold sadness in haste.

I really like those lines. I also find that you use too many intricate words. You also have to be careful of alliterations: what does bandit breezes mean? I also find that you need to work on your meaning because I could not grasp what this poem was about.

Anyway thanks for sharing.
Reply
#3
(07-13-2021, 11:26 PM)Brian Roberts Wrote:  Lines composed on a near-pristine day, reflected in a spoon

Bandit breezes, a tinge wealthier now
Having made off with encores of your fragrance-
Invisible You's: contracted no doubt                      condensed?   (contracted/protracted seems a bit much to me)
in some protracted embrace or in
appropriations of skin by the other.

Out there, taut, parted in red-sea fashion,
the rows of a virgin garden tilled for
the ambition of tomatoes and corn,                    drop the comma
not remains of our fling, flung motionless,            I'd insert a the before remains
like a prize baby-doll flailed till faceless.
My rupturing hands mold sadness in haste.            don't understand this line; why or what are your hands rupturing; in fact, I think it could be cut

Enjoyed this one, wonderful title, a few suggestions.
TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!