Spider Spirit- edit2
#1
Spider Spirit


tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle:

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch, unending
freedom like an angel’s way?




edit1;

tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle–

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch unending
freedom like an angel’s way?


original version;

Watched a tiny spider cross
a deeply-sculpted patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
and ridge without anticipation
of its next upcoming valley

though it may have learned that system
by the time its striving brought it
to rug’s end, flat tile extending
out of touch and sight unending
freedom like an angel’s way.


feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#2
Enjoyed waking up to this poem.  It seems like maybe it needs a comma after the next to last line, otherwise it beocmes a run on sentence, if that's the right phrase.  It's a perfect expression of the feeling I have watching insects (which I spend a inordinant amount of time doing) struggle through their existence.

Even though I really like last line, it seems to contradict the spider's "without anticipation" in earlier line.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#3
Hey duke-

I'm cool all the way up to "out of touch and sight." It might make more sense as "within reach, an unending..."

I too am fascinated by spiders (that aren't on me) and love watching them spin their webs. Mater of fact I'm watching one right now outside the window:
suspended, like a mid-air acrobat, and constantly repairing its web that's being buffetted by gusts of wind.

Observations of ordinary things are always among my most favorite pieces.

Gotta go outside now to check out this spider, up close. Might as well check on the black snake near the shed while I'm at it...

Thanks,
Mark
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#4
Duke,

Nice poem, but needs some editing. If you will, some suggestions.

Watched a tiny spider cross(es)
a deeply-sculpted patterned rug ([font=Courier New, serif]sculpted
is redundant)
negotiating each plateau
and ridge (canyon)without anticipation(ing)
of its (the)next upcoming valley (upcoming is redundant, time flow and all)

though it may have learned that system
by the time its that striving brought it
to rug’s end,(semi-colon not coma) flat tile extending
out of touch and sight unending
freedom like an angel’s way.[/font]




Either use caps and punctuation or don't (you should use caps and punctuation makes the reading easier and there is no good reason to not do so; it is merely affectation).

best,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#5
edit1;

tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle–

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch unending
freedom like an angel’s way?




Thanks to all critics, though @Erthona's obviously had the most influence on the edit.

I like the way the choppy first verse suggests ups and down of the spider's travels.
  Wonder if the question mark should go after "touch," though.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#6
(06-26-2021, 09:15 AM)dukealien Wrote:  [/spoiler]  Wonder if the question mark should go after "touch," though.

like this?

out of touch?  unending
freedom like an angel's way

That would be an interesting ending for me
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#7
Duke,

I agree, you need a pause after touch. I think a coma would do. Good rewrite, an economy of words, very nice. Reads smoothly.

best

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#8
(06-23-2021, 09:20 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Spider Spirit


tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle–

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch unending
freedom like an angel’s way?




[font=Courier New, serif]original version;

Watched a tiny spider cross
a deeply-sculpted patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
and ridge without anticipation
of its next upcoming valley

though it may have learned that system
by the time its striving brought it
to rug’s end, flat tile extending
out of touch and sight unending
freedom like an angel’s way.


[/font]

Wow, the latest revision reads much better than the latter, I think the original had a lack of economical words. Nice one! Let me give you a critique on what I thought about the revision.

Well one little nit actually: why is there an em dash?
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#9
edit2;

tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle:

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch, unending
freedom like an angel’s way?




Thanks again to the critics.  The comma was easy, but struggled with what the em dash was trying to do.  In the end, decided S2 was consequent to S1 so a full colon was appropriate.  Tiny changes, but it's a tiny spider  Big Grin
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#10
.
Hi duke,
should it be 'negotiated' (given 'crossed')?
And, for the heathen among us, what's an 'angel's way'?

Best, Knot


.
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#11
(06-23-2021, 09:20 PM)dukealien Wrote:  Spider Spirit


tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle:

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch, unending
freedom like an angel’s way?




edit1;

tiny spider crossed
deeply-patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
without anticipating
its next obstacle–

had it learned that system when
insect-striving gained rug’s end
flat tiles extending
out of touch unending
freedom like an angel’s way?


original version;

Watched a tiny spider cross
a deeply-sculpted patterned rug
negotiating each plateau
and ridge without anticipation
of its next upcoming valley

though it may have learned that system
by the time its striving brought it
to rug’s end, flat tile extending
out of touch and sight unending
freedom like an angel’s way.



The part from 'flat tile.....angel's way' comes as a surprise, almost an epiphany.
When I first read it, I thought that the unending freedom came to the spider at the end (which I think is a better image), but on subsequent reading it appears that it was a previous experience of that freedom which made the spider unprepared to meet its next obstacle.
Both tell stories, each different.
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