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[Semicircle]

Midsummer's day,
sun through a sunken shack,
the silhouette of the cock
weathervane, looming
out back.

Misshapen fence,
an old gate opens with a sigh
dead yellow jackets
floating in the crooked bird bath
Grass overgrown, dry.

Bent stake in the ground
faded leash still attached.
Nest in the branches
eggs never hatched.

[Knot]

.
Hi SC,
like the mood and the images, revisiting childhood (trauma).

Not sure what you're trying to say in L9.

The last verse suggests it's the sun which is 'never coming back' which is interesting, metaphorically, but is it what you were going for?

Just a thought


Wood fence, not picket
gate makes a sigh
dead yellow jackets
floating in the kiddy pool
grass overgrown, dry.

Bent stake in the ground
[dog's name] leash still attached .........................make it a bit more personal/real?
Empty nest in the branches ................................ shame you can't get a description of the nest in.
with the eggs all haven hatched. ........................ with all the eggs hatched / not all the eggs hatched? (seems more likely to be the former, given 'empty', which makes the following line redundant, but I don't think it is, so maybe revisit 'empty'? 'Abandoned' might do?)

On this midsummer's day,
sun beams on the old sunken shack, .............. 'this midsummer' then 'this old'?
until leaving it here to decay ........................... where else could it be if not 'here'?
never coming back. .......................................... I like the sentiment, but it feels rather week, and clashes, ever so slightly, with the title.


You might consider ending on L9, unhatched eggs (if that's what you mean here) is a much stronger/chilling image. (If you're set on verse three, consider starting with it, or switching it with the second verse.)


Best, Knot.


.

[Semicircle]

.
Hi SC,
like the mood and the images, revisiting childhood (trauma).

Not sure what you're trying to say in L9.

The last verse suggests it's the sun which is 'never coming back' which is interesting, metaphorically, but is it what you were going for?

Just a thought


Wood fence, not picket
gate makes a sigh
dead yellow jackets
floating in the kiddy pool
grass overgrown, dry.

Bent stake in the ground
[dog's name] leash still attached .........................make it a bit more personal/real?
Empty nest in the branches ................................ shame you can't get a description of the nest in.
with the eggs all haven hatched. ........................ with all the eggs hatched / not all the eggs hatched? (seems more likely to be the former, given 'empty', which makes the following line redundant, but I don't think it is, so maybe revisit 'empty'? 'Abandoned' might do?)

On this midsummer's day,
sun beams on the old sunken shack, .............. 'this midsummer' then 'this old'?
until leaving it here to decay ........................... where else could it be if not 'here'?
never coming back. .......................................... I like the sentiment, but it feels rather week, and clashes, ever so slightly, with the title.


You might consider ending on L9, unhatched eggs (if that's what you mean here) is a much stronger/chilling image. (If you're set on verse three, consider starting with it, or switching it with the second verse.)


Best, Knot.


.

Thanks for the critique. I'll see what I can do.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey semi-
Some good images in this one. Comments below:

On this midsummer's day,
sun beams on this sunken shack, maybe "through a" instead of "on this"
over the silhouette of cock weathervane  "over " confuses it. Maybe "a cock"- move "weathervane" to the next line
covered in plaque"plaque" is a forced rhyme, and does not work.  Makes me think of teeth. You gotta find another way to describe the weathervane. Or maybe just "weathervane, out back", as in the silhouette/shadow of the weathervane is out back, behind the shack.

Bark fence, I've seen old wood fences- "bark fence" is hard to picture, for me
gate makes a sigh I love the gate sighing. Maybe "old gate opens with a sigh"
dead yellow jackets
in the kiddy pool. the image of a kiddy pool seems out of place in this scene, for me. Maybe another way to describe the pool.
Grass overgrown, dry.

Bent stake in the ground
leash still attached. cool. An adjective to describe the leash would help.
Empty nest in the branches The nest can't be empty if eggs are in it. You need a different adjective to descibe the nest.
with the eggs all haven hatched. Maybe just "eggs never hatched"

[Semicircle]

Hey semi-
Some good images in this one. Comments below:

On this midsummer's day,
sun beams on this sunken shack, maybe "through a" instead of "on this"
over the silhouette of cock weathervane  "over " confuses it. Maybe "a cock"- move "weathervane" to the next line
covered in plaque"plaque" is a forced rhyme, and does not work.  Makes me think of teeth. You gotta find another way to describe the weathervane. Or maybe just "weathervane, out back", as in the silhouette/shadow of the weathervane is out back, behind the shack.

Bark fence, I've seen old wood fences- "bark fence" is hard to picture, for me
gate makes a sigh I love the gate sighing. Maybe "old gate opens with a sigh"
dead yellow jackets
in the kiddy pool. the image of a kiddy pool seems out of place in this scene, for me. Maybe another way to describe the pool.
Grass overgrown, dry.

Bent stake in the ground
leash still attached. cool. An adjective to describe the leash would help.
Empty nest in the branches The nest can't be empty if eggs are in it. You need a different adjective to descibe the nest.
with the eggs all haven hatched. Maybe just "eggs never hatched"

How's that? Changed the pool with a bird fountain which I think fits better.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey semi-

Ending the line on “cock” with a period completely changed this piece. You can see that, right?
Get rid of the period and start the next line with a lowercase “w”.

Also, the empty nest still has eggs in it- you need to replace “empty” with a new adjective.

Where I come from it’s called a bird bath, but maybe not, where you’re from.

Don’t try to please me by accepting my suggestions without thinking them through.
Do try to be accurate in how you describe things in a poem like this.

Also, if you use punctuation, then try to use it consistently.

Likewise, if you eliminate words like “the” and “this”, do so consistently- where it makes sense.

Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Midsummer's day,
sun beams through a sunken shack,
over the silhouette of the cock
weathervane, looming
out back.

Thick misshapen fence,
Old gate opens with a sigh
dead yellow jackets
floating in the crooked bird bath
Grass overgrown, dry.

Bent stake in the ground
faded leash still attached.
Nest in the branches
eggs never hatched.

I also like the desolate mood of this one; a few words I would cut.  I'm a little uneasy about those unhatched eggs at the end for some reason.