A Lover's D.O.A.
#1
You visited us for over an hour,
every minute of which
I studied this wished for lover not mine.
I listened to your words filled with petty angers,
and you even let slip, thoughtlessly I know,
a little cruelty to graze my heart,
a joke about a passion kiss.
Mostly I watched your body
shift restlessly in its stockings, 
and your face, imagining its kisses.
Words filled the hour but your flesh
filled my eyes as I traced the outlines
of your breasts; light was the only
savior in the room. 
                                        So it goes now
ten days after those embraces I refuse
to surrender, you materialize like a goddess
who travels with dogs, and I kneel
in supplication, waiting for the blows
of indifference to fall, for your love 
must be paid for in silence and shame.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#2
(04-24-2021, 08:12 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  You visited us for over an hour,
every minute of which
I studied this wished for lover not mine. (Do you mean wishful? I think that may work for this strophe)
I listened to your words filled with petty angers,
and you even let slip, (Let slip??) thoughtlessly I know,
a little cruelty to graze my heart,
a joke about a passion kiss. (Passionate kiss?)
Mostly I watched your body
shift restlessly in its stockings, 
and your face, (visage perhaps?) imagining its kisses.
Words filled the hour but your flesh
filled my eyes as I traced the outlines
of your breasts; light was the only
savior in the room. (Beautiful passage, nice imagery)
                                        So it goes now
ten days after those embraces I refuse
to surrender, you materialize like a goddess (Angel perhaps? But wait, isn't goddess supposed to be capitalized?)
who travels with dogs, and I kneel
in supplication, waiting for the blows
of indifference to fall, for your love 
must be paid for in silence and shame. (Pretty depressing if you ask me, I wonder why.)

Anyway I think this poem is rather bleak and has quite a depressing message. Keep writing though, I see what you are doing.
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