Poetry Forum

You visited us for over an hour,
every minute of which
I studied this wished for lover not mine.
I listened to your words filled with petty angers,
and you even let slip, thoughtlessly I know,
a little cruelty to graze my heart,
a joke about a passion kiss.
Mostly I watched your body
shift restlessly in its stockings, 
and your face, imagining its kisses.
Words filled the hour but your flesh
filled my eyes as I traced the outlines
of your breasts; light was the only
savior in the room. 
                                        So it goes now
ten days after those embraces I refuse
to surrender, you materialize like a goddess
who travels with dogs, and I kneel
in supplication, waiting for the blows
of indifference to fall, for your love 
must be paid for in silence and shame.

(04-24-2021, 08:12 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: [ -> ]You visited us for over an hour,
every minute of which
I studied this wished for lover not mine. (Do you mean wishful? I think that may work for this strophe)
I listened to your words filled with petty angers,
and you even let slip, (Let slip??) thoughtlessly I know,
a little cruelty to graze my heart,
a joke about a passion kiss. (Passionate kiss?)
Mostly I watched your body
shift restlessly in its stockings, 
and your face, (visage perhaps?) imagining its kisses.
Words filled the hour but your flesh
filled my eyes as I traced the outlines
of your breasts; light was the only
savior in the room. (Beautiful passage, nice imagery)
                                        So it goes now
ten days after those embraces I refuse
to surrender, you materialize like a goddess (Angel perhaps? But wait, isn't goddess supposed to be capitalized?)
who travels with dogs, and I kneel
in supplication, waiting for the blows
of indifference to fall, for your love 
must be paid for in silence and shame. (Pretty depressing if you ask me, I wonder why.)

Anyway I think this poem is rather bleak and has quite a depressing message. Keep writing though, I see what you are doing.