2nd Draft: Always Space
#1
We could leave for boba tea as they sing
on the karaoke, and hear their echoes
give in to a choir of croaking frogs, and
a petrichor might accompany us on our walk,
blankly murmuring beneath the street
about a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We would be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

Those stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet,
that moment, crystallized in rain and laughter,
remains in that familiar darkness
between two worlds, where there is always space
for all of us.




Minor Edit:


Removed lyrics that were supposed to be alluding to a song in the first stanza. Switched out "you" in the final line for "us".




First Draft: Always Space

We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has.

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#2
Hi Alexandorande, this is an edit after thinking more about my reactions

"petricor" is a cool word, but too obscure to me; but I think it would make a better title
the best lines of the poem follow that word, so until i looked it up, i couldn't appreciate them.
to me they seemed the core of the poem.

I'm confused as to the change in tense at end of 2nd stanza.  I get it now.

But I don't think you need that last line.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#3
(03-11-2021, 03:19 AM)alexorande Wrote:  I didn't think the draft I posted was ready for critique, so I had that thread deleted and am now reposting this poem. Sorry for any confusion.




We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor (cool word, I just looked this up, fitting)
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza (what does this plaza look like, what colour, texture, something)
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle. (nice image!)

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice (say building instead, edifice is an old fashioned word)
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, (haunting!) will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has. (interesting message! I love this ending line!)

I think that needs to be replaced with which, I feel it would carry weight in the poem.

Thanks for sharing!
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#4
(03-11-2021, 03:19 AM)alexorande Wrote:  I didn't think the draft I posted was ready for critique, so I had that thread deleted and am now reposting this poem. Sorry for any confusion.




We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has.

The pace and rhythm of this poem, in addition to the overwhelming flood of supporting and counter-supporting images tells a story that is both resolved by satisfying and imminently realistic and identifiable

Illuding to "With or Without You" so abruptly and obviously is one of the only places that I disagree with the poem, perhaps there is a way to allude to the song and the feelings of the song (which the poem is guided by and invoked by)

Something Like:
We will leave for boba tea as they sing

the lines, 
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more

then use the word karaoke

"their karaoke echoes yielding to a choir"

I've never had boba tea, but I would possibly like it, given your reference to the drink.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#5
Hey guys,

Thanks for the feedback! Came through with an edit. Let me know : )
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#6
I prefer to original beginning.  Why "We could", not "We will"?

I'm not crazy about the interruption of the song lyrics.

But from that point on, it's a beautiful poem.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#7
TranquillityBase,

Thanks for the input! I agree, wasn't really feeling the song lyrics but I wanted to try it out to see what you guys would say. I appreciated thunderembargo's suggestion tho

As for why "we could" instead of "we will", I wanted the poem to sound more intimate between the n and the reader by having the first line come off as a suggestion rather than an authoritative foretelling of the future (even though the n and their friends going out to grab something to drink and hanging out is what will eventually happen). I think I personally like this beginning better because of that
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#8
(05-14-2021, 01:15 AM)alexorande Wrote:  TranquillityBase,



Thanks for the input! I agree, wasn't really feeling the song lyrics but I wanted to try it out to see what you guys would say. I appreciated thunderembargo's suggestion tho



As for why "we could" instead of "we will", I wanted the poem to sound more intimate between the n and the reader by having the first line come off as a suggestion rather than an authoritative foretelling of the future (even though the n and their friends going out to grab something to drink and hanging out is what will eventually happen). I think I personally like this beginning better because of that


Don't know if you already know of Ludovico Einaudi, but this is a piece called "Petrichor":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8xeStLTnhM
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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