Draft 2: Always Space
#1
We could leave for boba tea as they sing
on the karaoke, and hear their echoes
give in to a choir of croaking frogs, and
a petrichor might accompany us on our walk,
blankly murmuring beneath the street
about a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We would be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

Those stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet,
that moment, crystallized in rain and laughter,
remains in that familiar darkness
between two worlds, where there is always space
for all of us.




Minor Edit:


Removed lyrics that were supposed to be alluding to a song in the first stanza. Switched out "you" in the final line for "us".




First Draft: Always Space

We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has.

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#2
Hi Alexandorande, this is an edit after thinking more about my reactions

"petricor" is a cool word, but too obscure to me; but I think it would make a better title
the best lines of the poem follow that word, so until i looked it up, i couldn't appreciate them.
to me they seemed the core of the poem.

I'm confused as to the change in tense at end of 2nd stanza.  I get it now.

But I don't think you need that last line.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#3
(03-11-2021, 03:19 AM)alexorande Wrote:  I didn't think the draft I posted was ready for critique, so I had that thread deleted and am now reposting this poem. Sorry for any confusion.




We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor (cool word, I just looked this up, fitting)
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza (what does this plaza look like, what colour, texture, something)
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle. (nice image!)

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice (say building instead, edifice is an old fashioned word)
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, (haunting!) will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has. (interesting message! I love this ending line!)

I think that needs to be replaced with which, I feel it would carry weight in the poem.

Thanks for sharing!
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#4
(03-11-2021, 03:19 AM)alexorande Wrote:  I didn't think the draft I posted was ready for critique, so I had that thread deleted and am now reposting this poem. Sorry for any confusion.




We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has.

The pace and rhythm of this poem, in addition to the overwhelming flood of supporting and counter-supporting images tells a story that is both resolved by satisfying and imminently realistic and identifiable

Illuding to "With or Without You" so abruptly and obviously is one of the only places that I disagree with the poem, perhaps there is a way to allude to the song and the feelings of the song (which the poem is guided by and invoked by)

Something Like:
We will leave for boba tea as they sing

the lines, 
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more

then use the word karaoke

"their karaoke echoes yielding to a choir"

I've never had boba tea, but I would possibly like it, given your reference to the drink.
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#5
Hey guys,

Thanks for the feedback! Came through with an edit. Let me know : )
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#6
I prefer to original beginning.  Why "We could", not "We will"?

I'm not crazy about the interruption of the song lyrics.

But from that point on, it's a beautiful poem.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#7
TranquillityBase,

Thanks for the input! I agree, wasn't really feeling the song lyrics but I wanted to try it out to see what you guys would say. I appreciated thunderembargo's suggestion tho

As for why "we could" instead of "we will", I wanted the poem to sound more intimate between the n and the reader by having the first line come off as a suggestion rather than an authoritative foretelling of the future (even though the n and their friends going out to grab something to drink and hanging out is what will eventually happen). I think I personally like this beginning better because of that
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#8
(05-14-2021, 01:15 AM)alexorande Wrote:  TranquillityBase,



Thanks for the input! I agree, wasn't really feeling the song lyrics but I wanted to try it out to see what you guys would say. I appreciated thunderembargo's suggestion tho



As for why "we could" instead of "we will", I wanted the poem to sound more intimate between the n and the reader by having the first line come off as a suggestion rather than an authoritative foretelling of the future (even though the n and their friends going out to grab something to drink and hanging out is what will eventually happen). I think I personally like this beginning better because of that


Don't know if you already know of Ludovico Einaudi, but this is a piece called "Petrichor":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8xeStLTnhM
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#9
Haven't heard of them before, but it's a really nice piece. Personally, when I was writing this I was really inspired by this song by Hiroshi Yoshimura. Hope it's okay to get a little distracted on a critique forum lol

[Video: https://youtu.be/ZBXVpFhhmV4]
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#10
(03-11-2021, 03:19 AM)alexorande Wrote:  We could leave for boba tea as they sing   ---- all of this is wonderful to me, I get a burgeoning first love theme to this
on the karaoke, and hear their echoes     ---- From here to the second stanza. 
give in to a choir of croaking frogs, and
a petrichor might accompany us on our walk,
blankly murmuring beneath the street
about a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We would be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.  ---- all the way to here. Then I get lost. 

Those stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet, ---Is this a former break up from the love lost?
that moment, crystallized in rain and laughter,
remains in that familiar darkness --- So multiple loves lost? 
between two worlds, where there is always space
for all of us. --- I get lost again.




Minor Edit:


Removed lyrics that were supposed to be alluding to a song in the first stanza. Switched out "you" in the final line for "us".




First Draft: Always Space

We will leave for boba tea as they sing
U2's "With or Without You" on karaoke,
their echoes yielding to a choir
of croaking frogs and a petrichor
that will accompany us on our walk,
mindlessly whispering beneath the street
of a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We'll be carried, in the streetlights,
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

The stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet that moment,
crystallized in rain and laughter, will remain
in that familiar darkness between two worlds
as it always has.


I believe I have misread this entire piece. Not on the right ride??

It was all I could think of in my minds eye that they (two new loves, interested in each other) leave a familiar spot and walk into an unknown... sight and sounds, all matter not. I can see them gazing at each other in this walk through the imageary you give that they do not seem to see or hear but walk though blindly. 

Then I find in the last stanza, to me, that this may be love is lost, as many others may (familiar darkness?) have been. Always space? Not sure how this fits in for me... 

Again, this is the way I have read into this. I have not read any of the other comments as I find it my influence my position. 

Other than the misdirect from me , and I will read further and again, this was a very visually palpable read for me. The first two stanza are chock full of "get me out of here" imagery. Well done, and I hope I am close.
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#11
(03-11-2021, 03:19 AM)alexorande Wrote:  We could leave for boba tea as they sing
on the karaoke, and hear their echoes
give in to a choir of croaking frogs, and
a petrichor might accompany us on our walk,                                     For me, the poem really kicks off at this point
blankly murmuring beneath the street
about a past life that kept us waiting indoors.

We would be carried, in the under streetlights,                                   Don't know if "in" is the correct preposition here; "under" or "'neath the" might sound better?
by our laughter to a plaza
overgrown today with sticker weeds and thistle.

Those stores now loom in vacancy, as one edifice a single structure      I agree with Majestic Sun that the word "edifice" feels a bit out of place, though replacing it with "building" sounds a bit bland 
diffusing a silence that estranged us; yet,                                           to me.
that moment, crystallized in rain and laughter,
remains in that familiar darkness                                                       You might consider using "trickling" instead of "remains" (entirely different meaning, but I think it fits with the rain and all)
between two worlds, where there is always space
for all of us.

Overall I enjoyed the read Smile
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