Pencive
#1
Pencive

Thieves break in at night
in broad daylight,
abetted by family;
seeking your end.
You though  they
were your friends.


erthona © 2021
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#2
Very good! I really like the last two lines. It could have ended after L4, but the last two make for a nice touch--adding sort of a Kafkaesque irony to it. My only critique would be that the time of day is unclear--L1 says "night" but L2 says in "daylight".
Reply
#3
(01-20-2021, 01:23 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Pencive

Thieves break in at night
in broad daylight,
abetted by family;
seeking your end.
You though  they
were your friends.


erthona © 2021

As Torkelburger.

Having thought about L2 - and you need to clarify - are you using 'broad daylight' as a stretched simile for 'brashness?' i.e. Screw you, night or day, we're in?

Whose family? What end? And why do they want it? You could even cut L1 to one word - Burglars. Punchy, dramatic, and usually signifying night-time.

With the current framework, this has potential to be a dramatic piece.  Thumbsup
feedback award A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.
Reply
#4
TKB and John,

This is about the Jan. 6th break-in at the Capitol and how they turned on Mike Pence.
The family are the Congress and aids, some of whom helped with the break-in. L 1-2 is just me having fun with wordplay.

Thanks again,

dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#5
(01-22-2021, 07:24 AM)Erthona Wrote:  TKB and John,

This is about the Jan. 6th break-in at the Capitol and how they turned on Mike Pence.
The family are the Congress and aids, some of whom helped with the break-in. L 1-2 is just me having fun with wordplay. 

Thanks again,

dale

Ah, makes sense, now. Even the title!

Cheers.  Thumbsup
feedback award A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!