Pencive

[Erthona]

Pencive

Thieves break in at night
in broad daylight,
abetted by family;
seeking your end.
You though  they
were your friends.


erthona © 2021

[Torkelburger]

Very good! I really like the last two lines. It could have ended after L4, but the last two make for a nice touch--adding sort of a Kafkaesque irony to it. My only critique would be that the time of day is unclear--L1 says "night" but L2 says in "daylight".

[John]

Pencive

Thieves break in at night
in broad daylight,
abetted by family;
seeking your end.
You though  they
were your friends.


erthona © 2021

As Torkelburger.

Having thought about L2 - and you need to clarify - are you using 'broad daylight' as a stretched simile for 'brashness?' i.e. Screw you, night or day, we're in?

Whose family? What end? And why do they want it? You could even cut L1 to one word - Burglars. Punchy, dramatic, and usually signifying night-time.

With the current framework, this has potential to be a dramatic piece. 

[Erthona]

TKB and John,

This is about the Jan. 6th break-in at the Capitol and how they turned on Mike Pence.
The family are the Congress and aids, some of whom helped with the break-in. L 1-2 is just me having fun with wordplay.

Thanks again,

dale

[John]

TKB and John,

This is about the Jan. 6th break-in at the Capitol and how they turned on Mike Pence.
The family are the Congress and aids, some of whom helped with the break-in. L 1-2 is just me having fun with wordplay. 

Thanks again,

dale

Ah, makes sense, now. Even the title!

Cheers.