Pinned
#1
Staring at you on my screen,
I know you’re not looking at me.
But when you stare right at the light,
you’re staring right into my eyes.
You smile,
it’s a mystery
what’s going on behind the scenes.
The many jagged words I hear
are going out the other ear.
It’s hard to focus on the task
when you’re a part of my Zoom class.
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#2
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Hi Lily,
like the idea and the tone but there are a few too many variations/repeats
of staring in the first four lines for me. Arguably you might consider
cutting those lines entirely and starting with 'You smile' (I don't think that
would cost you, in terms of meaning).

By 'jagged' were you intending 'stuttered' (as a result of a poor connection)?

An alternative title might be the task/subject of the 'zoom class' .


Best, Knot


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#3
Hi Knot,

Thank you so much for your comments. The idea for this poem came from the experience of being on a Zoom call, and realizing that it looked like someone was making eye contact with me, when really they were just looking at their camera. I want to somehow capture that correctly. Also, jagged was not supposed to imply poor connection, but now I completely see why that was your interpretation. My intention was to show how the teacher's lecture was sounding like gibberish to me because I was distracted. I have written a second draft. Also, the title Pinned refers to the action on Zoom where you can pin someone so they fill up the whole screen.

Gazing at you on my screen,
I know you’re not looking at me.
But when you stare right at the light,
you’re piercing deep into my eyes.
You smile,
it’s a mystery
what’s going on behind the scenes.
The many distant words I hear
are going out the other ear.
It’s hard to focus on the task
when you’re a part of my Zoom class.
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#4
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Hi Lily.

(09-10-2020, 02:41 AM)Lilly123 Wrote:  
 Pinned refers to the action on Zoom where you can pin someone so they fill up the whole screen.

Live and learn Smile Thanks for explaining. Perhaps a hint to us less familiar with the tech might be

Gazing at you, full screen
I know it isn't me
you're looking at, but
the camera, that red(?) light

I know it's not in your end-rhyme scheme, but I wonder if that may be hindering you? Write the idea first,
worry about the rhymes later Smile Lines 8-9 might benefit from that.
You could cut the 'a' from the final line, to improve the meter/rhythm.

It does seem to me that you've skipped a narrative step - N has already 'pinned' this person by the time the
poem starts, what prompted them to do that? Smile
Alternatively you could rearranged slightly

You smile,
it’s a mystery
what’s going on behind the scenes.
Gazing at you on my screen,
I know you’re not looking at me.
But when you stare right at the light,
you’re piercing deep into my eyes.
The many distant words I hear
are going out the other ear.
It’s hard to focus on the task
when you’re part of my Zoom class.


Best, Knot




.
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#5
(09-09-2020, 11:28 AM)Lilly123 Wrote:  Staring at you on my screen, "my" should maybe be "the"?
I know you’re not looking at me.
But when you stare right at the light,
you’re staring right into my eyes. A bit of a weak rhyme, but good thought. The metaphor isn't quite novel enough to merit breaking the rhyme.
You smile, Interesting rhythm change
it’s a mystery
what’s going on behind the scenes. Excellent
The many jagged words I hear
are going out the other ear. I feel that this clashes with and discards the choice of the word "jagged"
It’s hard to focus on the task
when you’re a part of my Zoom class. Excellent. This could have been tacky and corny, but it works as you wrote it.

Nice! The literality of the reference is refreshing, yet it's mixed with the pleasant sophistication of more abstract poetry. I actually really like "You smile,/ it's a mystery", despite the fact that it changes the rhyme scheme. I think those lines are packed with aesthetic information, and help me read the poem as I think you intend it.
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#6
Thank you so much for your comments! I have edited the poem since I received the first bit of feedback so now it looks like this. Maybe I will rearrange the lines because you seemed to like the change in rhyme scheme in the middle.

You smile,
it’s a mystery
what’s going on behind the scenes.
Gazing at you in full screen,
I know you’re not looking at me.
But when you stare right at the light,
you’re piercing deep into my eyes.
The many distant words I hear
are going out the other ear.
It’s hard to focus on the task
when you are part of my Zoom class.
Reply
#7
Hi Lily,

I think you have a perfectly set up outline. You have things laid out well. This happens, then this, etc. The problem is your just telling me straight up. "I know you’re not looking at me." for example. Good idea for an image, but you could say this many different ways, and I saw more than a few lines like that. Just give us the colors, we'll get it. Ask yourself with every line how it might be better.
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