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Experiment secretly
Hydrogen holds the key
The explosion will set it free
Find it in the debris
Fear, man
It's why you're here, man
War is all we see
Searching for energy
We don't need to agree
Already dead to me
Tell me that you want it
Tell me that you need it
Say it's so good
Say it like you mean it
Fear, man
It's why you're here, man
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 1,185
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Joined: Nov 2015
(08-31-2020, 01:27 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Experiment secretly
Hydrogen holds the key
The explosion will set it free this line could stand to lose a foot - maybe "The" or "it"
Find it in the debris
Fear, man
It's why you're here, man
War is all we see
Searching for energy
We don't need to agree
Already dead to me
Tell me that you want it
Tell me that you need it
Say it's so good
Say it like you mean it a nice reference to the need for credibility in deterrence
Fear, man
It's why you're here, man
Critiquing this at medium level, as a rock lyric. As such, very little to change - one suggestion in S1, though it could be sung as is by double-timing the extra feet. I guess an extra word could tie "Already dead to me" in a little tighter to the rest of the theme, but as it stands ambiguity rescues it.
As a somewhat cynical comment on (thermo)nuclear deterrence, I think it works quite well. Been there, done that. Other readings are possible (comment on basic human nature, for example) but to me the mention of hydrogen and explosions sort of locks it in.
Best bet for improvement might be to add another stanza commenting further on your theme. Something about your world being built on it (fear) for example? Just a thought.
Good job - liked it.
Non-practicing atheist
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It’s of course okay to play with rhythm in anyway you please as long as you have purpose, but I don’t really see it here. You’ve decided to make every line one breath/to have each thought end with each line. This creates an monotonous and repetitive effect and you never resolve/break it or use it for any specific way. When the happens the rhythm becomes predictable and verse and poetry’s quality of surprising and creating emphasis where one might not expect becomes wasted.
Similarly the very similar length in lines/sentences lead to very little variation in pacing.
It also is not clear to me why you choose to use no punctuation for end of lines. It’s of course a valid choice in many situations but I don’t see the reasoning for it here.
As it is these read like song lyrics, which would have musical rhythm and melody to make up for the aforementioned issues with pacing, but since this has no music to it, it doesn’t really work for me.
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Joined: Aug 2016
Thank you both,
I'm working on another 'verse'. I always appreciate dukes critiques he is very knowledgeable and even caters to my style. Klis makes very good points which I may be able to use even though 'this has no music to it'. It's under critique cause I think it's important but also very boring.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Joined: Dec 2017
(08-31-2020, 01:27 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Experiment secretly
Hydrogen holds the key
The explosion will set it free
Find it in the debris
Fear, man
It's why you're here, man
War is all we see
Searching for energy
We don't need to agree
Already dead to me
Tell me that you want it
Tell me that you need it
Say it's so good
Say it like you mean it
Fear, man
It's why you're here, man
I wonder if starting with S2 might be better
Agree with duke that the first reading is of a fusion bomb but I also see shades of Chernobyl, where a buildup of hydrogen eventually caused the explosion in reactor 4. And the fear would be both of the nuclear fallout and the Kremlin.
