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A child cries
The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich
Time turns and options narrow
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given
A child cries
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone
A child cries
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved
A child cries
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light
A child cries
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates
A child cries
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(09-01-2020, 06:16 AM)Iamrj Wrote: A child cries
The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open "Subside and open eyes" would be weird grammar, but sounds 100x better to me rhyme- and style-wise
Colors light the world Nice
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich Nice!
Time turns and options narrow Fantastic line
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given This doesn't match the intensity, clarity, or "density" of the surrounding lines
A child cries Love this refrain style, it is underdone in 21st century poetry
Promises lost Something about this doesn't work. Either "Promise lost" or "Promises broken" would work and flow better
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark This makes me feel like the whole poem would be stronger with some loose rhyme scheme, rather than none
Will to fight ignites Nice
I teach myself to see The tense of this, and the usage of the word "I" sort of changes the mood abruptly
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold Great line, but it could be split into two
Colors gone and sounds muted Just fantastic
Path unclear
I tremble alone Excellent
A child cries
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved Basically perfect stanza, save for lack of rhyme
A child cries
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures The "and" is off-rhythm
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light All great
A child cries
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black substantially divergent from the meter
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait need comma
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates excellent
A child cries
This could seriously be in one of the more serious critique fora. Truly fantastic overall. You seem to be consciously using free rhythm, and I'm a huge proponent of that. My only advice on that front would be to think more about how people will actually read it. Try and strike a balance between the changing rhythms and the underlying pulse (sorry if that's an opaque description, but I get the feeling you have a feel for this stuff). The power of free verse is in the "atoms" of dense rhymes and rhythms among varying feels, so try reciting this out loud and feel where your heart wants it to flow more naturally. Once again, this is something to be quite proud of.
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The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich
Time turns and options narrow
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given
A child cries
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see (use either she or I)
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone
A child cries
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying
Another broken heart (perhaps go a little deeper into the color imagery in the stanza before this line. It may provide a smoother transition from the theme of color to being heartbroken)
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved
A child cries
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures (Love this line)
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light
A child cries
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates
A child cries
------
I really enjoyed this poem. I think that it is almost perfect as it is but there are very few things that could be changed. Great work!
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I think the relentless intrusion of 'a child cries' works well, brings the sound and an unsettled tone.
In the body of the poem, I found only one concrete image - a book. I wonder if you could build further on that, maybe make pages from it part of the litter?
Show me joy, etc., rather than tell me of them.
The poem uses present tense, except for 'trod' in line 5 stanza 1.
Thanks for the chance to read and comment on your poem.
Actually, it’s only really poëtry if it comes from the Poët region of France. Otherwise, it’s just sparkling whine. -- Traditional
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I like the dramatic cadence of the verses which add to the mysterious atmosphere. Who is the child? Why is the child crying? Is it the cry that happens at birth? Is the speaker the same child as a grownup remembering the events of his or her life? Or is it someone else?
What is exactly is the darkness? It the cause of the child’s weeping. What is the book that is being read about? The poems ending seems to indicate an inevitable outcome of death. Does the child represent us all as mortal humans? We arrive on this world crying and perhaps leave it in a mournful state. What is the switch that is reached for? All of these help in creating a very interesting poem.
Suggestion:
The expression “others are given” is too vague and made me pause for too long to try to unravel its meaning.
I like the rhyme of the words fear and appear and wait and penetrates.
The first stanza would sound more dramatic without the conjunction “and”.
Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
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(09-01-2020, 06:16 AM)Iamrj Wrote: A child cries
The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world This is redundant because it is in the next stanza.
Tiny feet trod on colorful paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich
Time turns and options narrow
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given
A child cries
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see
Eyes open
but limitless fields of gray unfold To convey the vastness of the grey fields
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone
A child cries
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray?
Keep trying
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved This bit seems unnecessary
A child cries
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark Favorite Stanza
Or closer to the light
A child cries
I reach for the switch This switch is a bit arbitrary, what is it supposed to be?
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait
For the stars to appear I imagine the child joins the stars, peaceful
The fear burns
The will fades All Cliches
Darkness penetrates
A child cries
I was not a fan of the child cries bits, I feel like the poem could do without them and it wouldn't change much.
As always, a little brevity always helps.
Thanks for the read,
Sc.
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Hi rj-
The poem cries for concrete imagery: it's hard to latch onto it.
A child cries
The darkness is lifted
A child cries redundant so close to the title
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world
Tiny feet trod limitless paths Another word for 'trod'?
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich hmmm? odd metaphor
Time turns and options narrow This sudden switch is jarring.
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given
A child cries
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone Without concrete images, this stanza has a 'laundry list ' feel to it.
A child cries
I journey to find color
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end awkward phrasing
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved
A child cries This line continues the repetition, yet feels out of place.
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone maybe 'keep leaving' instead of 'near gone'?
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light my favorite lines
A child cries
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path These lines don't add anything, for me, at least.
Without sight and wait OK, it's dark without the 'light' on, but 'without sight' ?
For the stars to appear How can stars appear if you're 'without sight'?
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates
A child cries
The repetition of "a child cries" isn't working for me without concrete images.
I suggest reading this one aloud, and finding where you can flesh it out with descriptions, while compressing the subject to enhance its impact. The vagueness needs clarity. Consider where you turn the lines, as well thought out line breaks would really help this one. All that said, I believe that you can come away with a solid piece with further revision.
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this poem is true of some aspect of every child universal except for the Childs particular personality
you could the child cries when he sees some monster toy
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(09-01-2020, 06:16 AM)Iamrj Wrote: A child cries
The darkness is lifted
A child cries
Tears subside and eyes open
Colors light the world
Tiny feet trod limitless paths
Full of promise
Joy abounds and light is rich
Time turns and options narrow
Choices made
She is found
Hope shines
Others are given
A child cries
Promises lost
Plans deserted
Love forsaken
Plunged into dark
Will to fight ignites
I teach myself to see
Eyes open but limitless fields of gray unfold
Colors gone and sounds muted
Path unclear
I tremble alone
A child cries
I journey to find color (colour is spelt like this)
But the turned pages are empty
And the book is near to end
Should I accept the gray
Keep trying
Another broken heart
Will assaulted
Self-esteem dissolved
A child cries
The paths are lined with my desire
And littered with my failures
I trudge on for the sake of others
But the others are near gone
And I am no farther from the dark
Or closer to the light
A child cries
I reach for the switch
And plunge my gray back to black
Perhaps I can close the book
I sit alone on the path
Without sight and wait
For the stars to appear
The fear burns
The will fades
Darkness penetrates
A child cries
Beautiful, the way you articulated the piece with raw emotional as the way 'a child cries' with that repetition of it is really interesting. Yes it seemed depressing but from my own standpoint it seems to be something than that. It invokes a feeling and it is rather mystifying to me. Almost like a Yeats poem. I think you also need to spell 'color' with a U instead of forgetting one. I can't understand why you forgot to put a U in there. Oh well, we all make mistakes even in writing poetry. I like the imagery, the word economy and the way you said 'darkness penetrates' what did you mean by that though? Just asking.