Did You Call?

[Poetry In Motion]

I’ve got a cut on my hand.
It bleeds heavily over and over
like 24hr CCTV.
Cuts are a bitch, they hurt like fuck.

I tell westerners to tremble in fear
for the eastern storm is a dragon.
What can a person do one feels pain?
In the brain it reacts through nerves.

It’s gets on my nerves!
I feel the pain, I request a leviathan.
It makes me low-key groan.

It’s only a scratch my mother says.
I wish it were gone.
I’d rather deflower a goat.

Papercuts? Understood, so what? I am in pain!
Just like with society, what can I do?
This ego of mine cannot be untamed.

My brains on an index finger: that’s why it aches.
It fucking hurts, hurts, hurts!

[Mark A Becker]

Hello in motion-

I subtracted almost everything, and was left with this:


a cut on my hand
bleeds my brains
on an index finger

I suggest letting the reality of a paper cut work as a metaphor for the pain that's in your head. I know that doesn't help very much, but I can't get to what is really bugging you since you're over-focused on the paper cut.  Using words like "f**king" for emphasis is far less effective than actually describing f**king.  Use concrete imagery, and be specific.

Mark

[TranquillityBase]

I’ve got a cut on my hand.
It bleeds heavily over and over
like 24hr CCTV.
Cuts are a bitch, they hurt like fuck.

I tell westerners to tremble in fear
for the eastern storm is a dragon.
What can a person do one feels pain?    What can a person do when one feels pain?
In the brain it reacts through nerves.

It’s gets on my nerves!
I feel the pain, I request a leviathan.    This line, though I like it, is a mystery.  Why a leviathan?
It makes me low-key groan.

It’s only a scratch my mother says.
I wish it were gone.
I’d rather deflower a goat.

Papercuts? Understood, so what? I am in pain!
Just like with society, what can I do?
This ego of mine cannot be untamed.

My brains on an index finger: that’s why it aches.  My brain is in my index finger
It fucking hurts, hurts, hurts!       Too repetitive: you've expressed the pain part enough already.

This is basic, so basically speaking I like most of it very much.  I think it needs a better, different ending.  Maybe go back to that profound comment earlier on about that "eastern storm" that's coming.  Tell us more about that and how it relates to this pain, and its solution.  Or maybe make those lines the ending, with a bit more about how that dragon is the solution.

thanks for posting.  keep up the good work 

[Poetry In Motion]

Hello in motion-

I subtracted almost everything, and was left with this:


a cut on my hand
bleeds my brains
on an index finger

I suggest letting the reality of a paper cut work as a metaphor for the pain that's in your head. I know that doesn't help very much, but I can't get to what is really bugging you since you're over-focused on the paper cut.  Using words like "f**king" for emphasis is far less effective than actually describing f**king.  Use concrete imagery, and be specific.

Mark

Thanks I will do that.

[Poetry In Motion]

I’ve got a cut on my hand.
It bleeds heavily over and over
like 24hr CCTV.
Cuts are a bitch, they hurt like fuck.

I tell westerners to tremble in fear
for the eastern storm is a dragon.
What can a person do one feels pain?    What can a person do when one feels pain?
In the brain it reacts through nerves.

It’s gets on my nerves!
I feel the pain, I request a leviathan.    This line, though I like it, is a mystery.  Why a leviathan?
It makes me low-key groan.

It’s only a scratch my mother says.
I wish it were gone.
I’d rather deflower a goat.

Papercuts? Understood, so what? I am in pain!
Just like with society, what can I do?
This ego of mine cannot be untamed.

My brains on an index finger: that’s why it aches.  My brain is in my index finger
It fucking hurts, hurts, hurts!       Too repetitive: you've expressed the pain part enough already.

This is basic, so basically speaking I like most of it very much.  I think it needs a better, different ending.  Maybe go back to that profound comment earlier on about that "eastern storm" that's coming.  Tell us more about that and how it relates to this pain, and its solution.  Or maybe make those lines the ending, with a bit more about how that dragon is the solution.

thanks for posting.  keep up the good work 

I will thanks, I will work on that. Wait until you see he revision. Back to the drawing board.