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For life on earth,
You crave a circle with no end.
No moldering corpses
Or mushroom clouds.
All long-flowing hair,
Slender figures with sinewy muscles,
Able to run miles at a time
And read War and Peace in a sitting.
The sun blazes brightly every day in such a world so why do I no allow it?
The head of a pin can only hold so many angels.
Humans are bacteria.
Like trying to fit trillions and trillions of lice on a tennis ball.
Not one square centimetre of dirt left to stand on.
Bodies piling higher on top of each other.
You’d have this nightmare
If I didn’t exist.
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Torkelburger,
typesetting note: drop the caps except for those that start sentences for clearer, easier reading.
It also might help to avoid using dependent clauses a sentences i.e.,
"No moldering corpses or mushroom clouds"
syntax: "so why do I no allow it?" Or is it just as typo? : "so why do I no(t) allow it?"
run-on sentences: "All long-flowing hair, slender figures with sinewy muscles, able to run miles at a time and read "War and Peace" in a sitting.
I think this could make an interesting poem if (as indicated in the title) "Death" were actually speaking rather than just making a list.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Joined: Oct 2017
.
Hi Adam,
rather agree with Dale,
though thought there might be something in
If I didn’t exist.
You’d have this nightmare
Bodies piling higher on top of each other.
Not one square centimetre of dirt left to stand on.
Like trying to fit trillions and trillions of lice on a tennis ball.
Humans are bacteria. The head of a pin can only hold so many angels.
Best, Knot
.
Posts: 28
Threads: 39
Joined: Jul 2020
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I agree with everything. Yes, that was a typo. The bacteria metaphor was supposed to represent how quickly humans reproduce (and say so in a sort of clinical, uncaring tone) and, without the existence of death, would cause the problems of the following simile in the next line and also the “bodies piling” image. I’ll have to figure out a way to explain in the poem.
I usually catch the typesetting issues, but just happened to miss this one. Yeah, I’ll consider making the poem dialogue instead of clauses as it might be more interesting to hear Death actually speaking in complete thoughts. Either that or change the title, hehe.
Changing the line order there at the end makes more sense and is clearer.
