Into The Deep
#1
Into the Deep
Drown me in the river, watch me as I sink. Tied together by a dark malevolent spiritual being, descending Into the depths.  

The farther I float, the more my mind clouds. Memories flood, they pull me close. The surface of this water, I cannot break through.  

It's crowded by the roots of the hollowing tree that looms overhead devouring any light shed by the sun. I touch the bordering line, my skin becomes numb, the lack of the of the touch of the ones that I love. It keeps me secluded and wretches the promise that I'll overcome.

All I feel, the water grows cold.

The pressure breaks my fingers into my hand, in through my arm and down through my spine. My body is aching, surely losing time.  

My heartbeats and breaths are slowing and straining. The cavity of my chest now filing with blood, leaking out of my mouth and trailing behind my corpse.  

Death is my carriage but I am it's horse
Reply
#2
(08-08-2020, 10:05 AM)Youngpoetdreams

[align=center' Wrote:  
Death is my carriage but I am it's horse[/align]

I love this line. Here is everything I love about this line. 

It is relentlessly original, I’ve not heard this idea expressed before in this way. At the same time it has a classic sound to it, especially the use of “carriage” or “horse” makes it sound like it could have been a line from an Emily Dickinson poem, except she’s not quite this good. I even googled it because it sounds so authentic, like something new that shouldn’t be new.

Furthermore, I love the way it hits me in the face. It’s an unexpected arrangement both in syntax and concept. It’s surprising and confusing. It makes me do a double take. I want to read it again and consider the implications of the phrase. In this one line you have made an observation about the relationship between people and death that is very tangible.

This line is what a poem should do.
Reply
#3
(08-08-2020, 10:45 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  
(08-08-2020, 10:05 AM)Youngpoetdreams

[align=center' Wrote:  
Death is my carriage but I am it's horse[/align]

I love this line. Here is everything I love about this line. 

It is relentlessly original, I’ve not heard this idea expressed before in this way. At the same time it has a classic sound to it, especially the use of “carriage” or “horse” makes it sound like it could have been a line from an Emily Dickinson poem, except she’s not quite this good. I even googled it because it sounds so authentic, like something new that shouldn’t be new.

Furthermore, I love the way it hits me in the face. It’s an unexpected arrangement both in syntax and concept. It’s surprising and confusing. It makes me do a double take. I want to read it again and consider the implications of the phrase. In this one line you have made an observation about the relationship between people and death that is very tangible.

This line is what a poem should do.
thank you so much for the love, this piece comes from a darker time in my life so it is all very original and real to me. I’m sure many have felt this way before but we all experience it in a different way. I’m really glad you like it Smile

(08-08-2020, 10:45 AM)Valerie Please Wrote:  
(08-08-2020, 10:05 AM)Youngpoetdreams

[align=center' Wrote:  
Death is my carriage but I am it's horse[/align]

I love this line. Here is everything I love about this line. 

It is relentlessly original, I’ve not heard this idea expressed before in this way. At the same time it has a classic sound to it, especially the use of “carriage” or “horse” makes it sound like it could have been a line from an Emily Dickinson poem, except she’s not quite this good. I even googled it because it sounds so authentic, like something new that shouldn’t be new.

Furthermore, I love the way it hits me in the face. It’s an unexpected arrangement both in syntax and concept. It’s surprising and confusing. It makes me do a double take. I want to read it again and consider the implications of the phrase. In this one line you have made an observation about the relationship between people and death that is very tangible.

This line is what a poem should do.
also as a young writer I appreciate any and all feedback, I haven’t seen much love for younger writers really ever in my life so it's cool to see people liking my stuff
Reply
#4
I love the creativity in this poem, which stems from its form that's so different from what my brain demands that I write. (It contains none of the line breaks I'd use - nor should it.) However, being borderline O.C.D, there are things that don't work for me.

The first line's ending ( descending into the depths ) seems inconsistent with the second's beginning ( The farther I float ). If the "descending" imagery is to be maintained, what about "The deeper I go, ... " to start the second? And, ending with "The surface of this water, I can no longer reach." could be a consistent way to maintain the image.

Now, lines one and two establish a form and rhythm that are broken by the next set of lines. My O.C.D brain is bothered by this disruption. The key thoughts - diminishing light, evolving numbness (and the reason for it), acknowledging the eventual outcome - need to stand out. Could this be made to happen by stripping out some words and re-establishing the previous lines' form and rhythm?  (For example, leaving out "I touch the bordering line" would keep me from wondering what that means, while elevating "my skin becomes numb".)

The "Into the Deep" theme is furthered by the poem's remaining lines. Maybe there would be some edits that would improve them, but I'm not going to let my compulsive desire for from/rhythm throttle your creativity.

And, I have to agree with the previous assessment of the last line. An original, very powerful and well crafted.

Many thanks for sharing your writings with us.
Reply
#5
Into the Deep
Drown me in the river, watch me as I sink.
Tied together by a dark malevolent spirit ual being, descending
Into the depths.  
The farther I float, the more my mind clouds, Memories a flood,
they pull me close. The a surface of this water, I cannot break through.  
It's crowded by the roots of the hollowing tree that looms overhead devouring
any light shed by the sun devoured. I touch the bordering line,
my skin borders the becomes numb, the lack of the of the touch
of the ones that I love. It keeps me secluded and wretches the promise that I'll overcome.
All I feel, the water grows cold.
The pressured fingers breaks my fingers into my hand, in through my arm, and down through my spine. My body is aching, surely losing time.  
My heartbeats and ,my breaths are slowing and straining. The cavity of my chest now filing with blood, leaking, out of my mouth and trailing behind my corpse.  
Death is my carriage but I am it's [dirty?] horse
Assuming there's some meaning in a line length: you're talking a loss of breath while dying, so use it in your line length and cadence, so rock it: take  these into consideration, make it salient make it visceral, and make it sing. 
And why are we dying, it would be meaningful even if we are dying at random and we are trying to cope with that. 
Also steer clear from center justification. These days it's like Babe Ruth pointing at center field. I'm not Babe, you're not Babe, yet, when you're Babe, write one center justified for me, hopefully I am dead and you can write a center justified poem about death for me...haha...if you do make sure you leave a copy at the Poe Museum in RVA, I was married there once...haha
We as poets, need to really handle the line in right justification first, learn caps, learn when to break it, learn when to break it short, when to spill it over to the next line, center justification confuses that a bit, so we need to learn a respect for the line in all of her intricacies before we take her out for a maneuver. Also READ poets that you love, READ them aloud, READ them often, READ your poems aloud, and DON"T STOP writing poems!   

 
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!