Emergence (or "The Balcony Dwellers")

[heslopian]

Emerging from the dark,
the rotting fruit
and plates of dead cow flesh,
all inside her rented room,
she walks onto her balcony,
the marble still untouched
by her corrosive feet;
but now she is clean, and so
the sun shines softly
through her flesh, and she
leaves no prints on the
delicate stone.

Above the small town square,
screened in by other apartments,
she observes the locals, who mingle
with the doves, whilst children
throw pennies at the centre fountain, and
lovers of all persuasions walk
down the glittering stone streets.

Stretching high into the clouds,
more French windows open
on this sunny August day;
people leave behind their rooms,
the squalor, and the loose bed springs,
unsatisfying meals, and many chores
not done, and let the sun baste them
like rotund turkeys.

However, there are those
who cannot break the locks,
and live with the stench
of a life stagnant. Going mad
with this despair, we watch
our fellows seize the morn,
we witness their emergence
like barren midwives,
lost inside a wilderness
of pleasure and envy,
pleasure at the pleasing sight
of an existence saved, and
envy that it wasn't ours.

So we retreat.
Our faces vanish
like driftwood in flame, and
the locals, the doves, the stone
throwing children, the lovers
of all persuasions, and even
the balcony dwellers,
who emerged from the place
that we still inhabit, remain
unaware of our plight.

[billy]

will do an indepth later or tomorrow heslopian.

[heslopian]

will do an indepth later or tomorrow heslopian.

I look forward to it, Billy

[billy]

Emerging from the dark, [would 'she emerges from the dark work better?]
the rotting fruit
and plates of dead cow flesh,
all inside her rented room, [good, though distasteful image]
she walks onto her balcony,
the marble still untouched
by her corrosive feet;
but now she is clean, and so [is 'but' needed]
the sun shines softly
through her flesh, and she
leaves no prints on the
delicate stone. [i get the impression she's dead? ]

Above the small town square,
screened in by other apartments,
she observes the locals, who mingle
with the doves, whilst children throw [either throw on the next line or pennies on this]
pennies at the centre fountain, and
lovers of all persuasions walk
down the glittering stone streets. [really good verse.]

Stretching high into the clouds,
more French windows open
on this sunny August day,
as people leave behind their rooms, [is 'as' needed?]
the squalor, and the loose bed springs,
unsatisfying meals, and many chores
not done, and let the sun baste them
like fulsome turkeys. [would have liked to see something like 'butter-ball' instead of 'fulsome' cos fulsome make me thing of fulsome prison could just be me though but i love most of the lines in this verse]

However, there are those
who cannot break the locks, [this is the part that made me think she killed herself or was dead]
and live with the stench
of a life stagnant. Going mad
with this despair, we watch
our fellows seize the morn,
we witness their emergence
like barren midwives,
lost inside a wilderness
of pleasure and envy, [would these 2 line be better as 'lost inside pleasure and envy]
pleasure at the pleasing sight
of an existence saved, and
envy that it wasn't ours. [another good verse]

And so we retreat. [is and needed? ]
Our faces vanish
like driftwood in flame, and
the locals, the doves, the stone
throwing children, the lovers
of all persuasions, and even
the balcony dwellers,
who emerged from the place
that we still inhabit, remain
unaware of our plight.[this verse also made me think she was dead as well]

after doing my feedback i have to say. i think this an extremely well writ piece. i had a slight bit or trouble in the 1st verse but nothing serious. while it's not perfect, for me it could be almost perfect with a minimal edit. many of the lines are superb. and most of the rest are very good. i found the 1st verse deep and thats prob why i struggled a little. 9that could be down to me though) thanks for the read jack as always.

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind words and feedback Billy. I intended the poem to be an extended metaphor for clinical depression, recovery and stasis. The girl who emerges onto the balcony has been freed from her sadness (which the rooms are an allegory for), whereas those who can't break the locks are still stuck in theirs.
I'll use almost all the suggestions you made. One question: What was distasteful about the image in the first verse you mentioned? Was it the dead cow flesh? I thought instead of just saying meat I'd be gross

[billy]

actually it was more the rotting fruit. and now you say what you did i can see her death being metaphorical. which still works for me