Edit 1: Relics

[alonso ramoran]

Relics

When the Seven Sisters wept, their frozen tears
scorched upon breaking the skull of man
in fiery neon amnesia.

He joined his blackened shards to sticks, then
arranged the other pieces into circles while tilting
his shattered head skyward,
replenishing his bone and sculpting memories
he later doubted but could not control.

Cronus usurps Uranus and blue lights intermittently
began to dimly flash within man's mended head
as his shouts echoed across water, blood, space, and soil.

But with yesterday's unseen final fragments
that flickered blue, he powered a spacecraft and bases
harvesting the energy of stars, seeking echoes
until Atlas was condemned.

Original: Retellings

When the Seven Sisters wept, their frozen tears
scorched upon breaking the skull of man
in fiery neon amnesia.

He joined his blackened shards to sticks and then
arranged the other pieces into circles while tilting
his shattered head skyward,
replenishing his bone and sculpting memories
he later doubted but could not control.

Cronus usurps Uranus and blue lights intermittently
began to dimly flash within man's mended head
as water, blood, space, and soil echoed all his shouts.

But yesterday's unseen final fragments flickered blue;
with them, a flying vehicle and bases,
harvesting the energy of stars, were powered
until Atlas was condemned.

[billy]

i struggle with this kind of poetry [mainly because i know little of the Greek or any other gods, but i'll have a go at giving feedback. a little wordy in places, if it's not needed cut it loose. i stumbled in the last stanza but it really could just my lack of understanding. i like the feel of the poem though it doesn't grip me after the first stanza. wish i could do better for you alex.

Retellings

When the Seven Sisters wept, their frozen tears would the comma go better at the end of the line, or even a semi colon?
scorched upon breaking the skull of man
in fiery neon amnesia.

He joined his blackened shards to sticks and then is [and then] needed?
arranged the other pieces into circles while tilting
his shattered head skyward,
replenishing his bone and sculpting memories
he later doubted but could not control.

Cronus usurps Uranus and blue lights intermittently
began to dimly flash within man's mended head
as water, blood, space, and soil echoed all his shouts.

But yesterday's unseen final fragments flickered blue;
with them, a flying vehicle and bases, here's where i get really lost, are we now in modern times or are these a sort of chariot of the gods thing?
harvesting the energy of stars, were powered the [were powered] doesn't feel like it wants to follow on after stars. it reads awkwardly for me.
until Atlas was condemned.

[alonso ramoran]

Hey billy,

Appreciate your feedback all the same. I'm going to work on the last stanza. You said it was a little wordy in some places; I'm going to remove the "and then" but is there any other places you were referring to when you made this comment?

As for the comment on the first line, if I put the semicolon at the end then I'd be making that like somewhat of a sentence. If it was a sentence, it would be a redundant one because of how it would mention weeping tears. Same thing goes for placing the comma at the end, only I'd have no idea what lines 2-3 would mean as their own clause. Right now, I have it as a complex sentence.

All the best,
Alex

[billy]

a couple more below.

Retellings

When the Seven Sisters wept, their frozen tears
scorched upon breaking the skull of man
in fiery neon amnesia.

He joined his blackened shards to sticks and then
arranged the other pieces into circles while tilting
his shattered head skyward,
replenishing his bone and sculpting memories
he later doubted but could not control.

Cronus usurps Uranus and blue lights intermittently
began to dimly flash within man's mended head
as water, blood, space, and soil echoed all his shouts.

But yesterday's unseen final fragments flickered blue;
with them, a flying vehicle and bases,
harvesting the energy of stars, were powered
until Atlas was condemned.

[alonso ramoran]

Thanks billy, made some changes