Travel Costs

[Richard]

Travel Costs

He used to be her weekend getaway:
hand-me-down sheets wet
as a rain drenched map,
dandruff napping on pillows,
lights dim, but bright enough
to admire crooked penis and misshapen breasts,
their only directions, unread,
on the back of a condom box.

Now, an eight hour drive puts her to bed,
while he lies alone, old blanket
tacked over his window-
darkness a more familiar destination
than it should be.

[Knot]

Hi Richard.

It's a very engaging piece, determinedly low-key
and a terrific ending. Just a couple of thoughts
about tightening it up (further).

Travel Costs
- not entirely convinced by the title
(it's serviceable, but the ending deserves
better I think).

He used to be her weekend
getaway: hand-me-down sheets
wet as rain drenched map[s],
dandruff napping on [modifier] pillows,
lights dim but bright enough
to admire crooked penis[,] misshapen
breasts, the directions on the back
of a [box of] condoms[,] unread.

[Today], an eight hour drive
puts her to [sleep?], he lies alone,
old blanket tacked over his window-
darkness a more familiar destination
than it should be.


I think 'napping' should match tenses
with 'drenched' (maybe 'spilt' ? Though
'napped' has a homonym which suggests
flakes, and it pairs nicely with 'tacked').

Any alternative to 'admire', it doesn't seem
sufficiently 'charged' enough?

Is it 'his window' or 'the window'?


Good stuff.


Regards, Not.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. You gave me a lot of think about here in terms of spacing and wording. I was a little uncertain about the title, so I'm happy to hear thoughts on that. As well, "admire" was a last minute change that I wasn't 100% sure about. It was originally "see", which I thought was too boring. Will give this some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

[billy]

hi richard, have i read this one before? it seems familiar. i like the tongue in cheek title. lots to like though i think a couple of places could use an image to the poems benefit. enjoyed the last two lines of the first stanza. made me think of the costs of unsafe sex that people sometimes face.

Travel Costs

He used to be her weekend getaway: good 1st line. sets up the poem well.
hand-me-down sheets wet, not sure [hand me down] works, maybe use a stronger image. personally i think the comma should be after sheets if you use one.
as a rain drenched map,
dandruff napping on pillows, great line and good image.
lights dim, but bright enough feels a little wordy, why [lights dim but] why not create an image or simile of dim lights.
to admire crooked penis and misshapen breasts, i like this line, it shows shows those imperfections that make us different and human.
their only directions, unread,
on the back of a condom box.

Now, an eight hour drive puts her to bed, could this be better stated?
while he lies alone, old blanket creates a strong feel of seedy.
tacked over his window-
darkness a more familiar destination
than it should be.

[Richard]

Hey billy,
Thanks for the feedback. I was feeling a bit inspired by Charles Bukowski on this one, so I wonder if that is why it might feel familiar? The hand-me-down sheets sounded right in my head when I wrote this, but I think it might be one of those times where looking back at it, even I sort of wonder what I was going for...

Thanks again,
Richard