Broken Home

[Wjames]

Sawdust rots inside a damp garage,
the concrete walls and groaning bulb
an old folks home for sleds and bikes,
cobwebbed, rusting, lonely.

I'm slumped over the workbench
with a hammer and a bottle,
wishing I could make things right.

[billy]

always good seeing something original. i like the image of the old folks home though, is a semi colon needed after bulb. the first stanza feels a little weak. a suggestion would be to re word it in the hope of making it grab the reader and drag them into the garage. i think the last stanza is good enough as is. there's a good feeling of melencholy in it.

Sawdust rots inside a damp garage,
the concrete walls and groaning bulb
an old folks home for sleds and bikes,
cobwebbed, rusting, lonely.

I'm slumped over the workbench
with a hammer and a bottle,
wishing I could make things right.

[Keith]

I Really enjoyed this WJ, not sure if the end is a DIY nightmare or the N has just bashed someones brains in, but I assume that was where you wanted to take the reader, into ambiguity. The comparison of care home for the garage contents is fresh and one I could instantly connect with. My only point would be with S1, L3 & L4 seem to check out early in a list, I would like to see a middle stanza but not to telegraph the ending just to expand the initial Idea. No line by line from me, what you have written stands up well. Best Keith

[Knot]

Hi Wjames,
An enjoyable read, melancholy
without being overly sentimental,
but I think the title tells too much.
(maybe 'handy man' or similar?)

Sawdust rots inside a damp garage,
the concrete walls and groaning bulb
an old folks home for sleds and bikes,
- do you need 'for sleds and bikes'?
cobwebbed, rusting, lonely.

I'm slumped over the workbench
with a hammer and a bottle,
wishing I could make things right.
- Feels like it's missing a line, a return
to the imagery of v1 perhaps?

Best, Knot.

[cloud]

A bottle of whiskey; bourbon perhaps? My favourite !!!

I enjoy the imagery very much, and the variables you extracted from the scenario function profoundly well as symbolism, nicely done.
The title can do more than reflect the state of decay and is too generic for the depth of a piece which touches on elements of remorse and nostalgia.
I think the descriptive nature of the first stanza overwhelms the lack thereof in the second stanza, where you could have given some of that anguish a little more room to breathe. Something about the transition between the stanzas seems a little empty too.

I think the ending served its purpose but could have been worded in a less explicit manner, it's a little too blunt but that effect gave it a nice "nail in the coffin" so to speak.