Cut open to count the rings

[Keith]

Edit 1

A held-tight crow aviods the murder,
deep within a melencholy mist.
He calls on discarded scraps,
crusts in crumpled foil
like bodies through a windscreen.

Arthritic branches knuckle
between the fingers of new growth,
letting mud-caked Wellingtons
take time to rinse red.

Their loss looks up
through a pale canopy,
as a softly spoken leaf
falls to the forrest floor.

How can this old tree survive
when weak limbs break and seedlings die?

Original
A child-minding crow
calls out through morning mist
as it clings cold
on banks of quiet bracken.
He follows footsteps for scraps
kept hidden from the murder.

Gnarled oaks watch saplings take shape,
bent by the wind's advice,
arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth
as mud caked wellingtons rinse
red in pathway puddles.

Twirling loss under a bare canopy
questions push speech on falling leaves
and listens to the moss covered bark
of a broken soldiers stride.
Why do these old trees survive
when all their pretty has gone and died?

[tectak]

A child-minding crow
calls out through morning mist
as it clings cold
on banks of quiet bracken.
He follows footsteps for scraps
kept hidden from the murder.

Narled oaks watch saplings take shape,Narled. Keith?
bent by the winds advice,
arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth
as mud caked wellingtons rinse
red in pathway puddles.

Twirling loss under a bare canopy
questions push speech on falling leaves
and listens to the moss covered bark
of a broken soldiers stride.
Why do these old trees survive
when all their pretty has gone and died?

Strangely evocative, Keith. Inventive verbs like "knuckle with..." are probably not for the purists, but hell, I know what it means. Punctuation IS a problem, if only for clarity...the lord giveth and the lord taketh away...but I am unsure if sans punctuation is a device in this one. Think on,Laddie.
Can't say I didn't like it but I may not read it again...that may be a good thing.
Best, 
tectak

[Richard]

Hey Keith,
I quite like some your imagery here. I do have some thoughts though:

A child-minding crow -I love this line. The image here is original, and I wish I had thought of it.
calls out through morning mist
as it clings cold
on banks of quiet bracken.
He follows footsteps for scraps
kept hidden from the murder. -I like this stanza. However, I don't really see how this stanza connects with the rest of the poem. I would suggest thinking about connecting it to the tree imagery somehow. Maybe the crow can be in a tree? 


Narled oaks watch saplings take shape,
bent by the winds advice, -I think "winds" should have an apostrophe.
arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth-This and the previous line is wonderful imagery, and connects to your title by dealing with the theme of time.
as mud caked wellingtons rinse
red in pathway puddles. -I don't know why, but I feel like we need to know where the crow went as the child plays in the puddles.

Twirling loss under a bare canopy
questions push speech on falling leaves -Are the questions part of the wind's advice? I feel like you could explore that connection more.
and listens to the moss covered bark
of a broken soldiers stride. -I'm confused by the soldier's sudden appearance. Maybe make it a toy soldier, so it ties back to the child in the previous two stanzas?
Why do these old trees survive
when all their pretty has gone and died? -I like this question as an ending because its consistent with you theme of time set up by the title. I'm just unsure if this is one of the questions that "push speech on falling leaves".

I hope what I said is helpful, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[Keith]

A child-minding crow
calls out through morning mist
as it clings cold
on banks of quiet bracken.
He follows footsteps for scraps
kept hidden from the murder.

Narled oaks watch saplings take shape,Narled. Keith?
bent by the winds advice,
arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth
as mud caked wellingtons rinse
red in pathway puddles.

Twirling loss under a bare canopy
questions push speech on falling leaves
and listens to the moss covered bark
of a broken soldiers stride.
Why do these old trees survive
when all their pretty has gone and died?

Strangely evocative, Keith. Inventive verbs like "knuckle with..." are probably not for the purists, but hell, I know what it means. Punctuation IS a problem, if only for clarity...the lord giveth and the lord taketh away...but I am unsure if sans punctuation is a device in this one. Think on,Laddie.
Can't say I didn't like it but I may not read it again...that may be a good thing.
Best, 
tectak

Thank you for the Knarled feedback, I'm pleased the knuckle got across purist or not Ill have another look at punctuation. much appreciated, Keith.

---

Hey Keith,
I quite like some your imagery here. I do have some thoughts though:

A child-minding crow -I love this line. The image here is original, and I wish I had thought of it.
calls out through morning mist
as it clings cold
on banks of quiet bracken.
He follows footsteps for scraps
kept hidden from the murder. -I like this stanza. However, I don't really see how this stanza connects with the rest of the poem. I would suggest thinking about connecting it to the tree imagery somehow. Maybe the crow can be in a tree? 


Narled oaks watch saplings take shape,
bent by the winds advice, -I think "winds" should have an apostrophe.
arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth-This and the previous line is wonderful imagery, and connects to your title by dealing with the theme of time.
as mud caked wellingtons rinse
red in pathway puddles. -I don't know why, but I feel like we need to know where the crow went as the child plays in the puddles.

Twirling loss under a bare canopy
questions push speech on falling leaves -Are the questions part of the wind's advice? I feel like you could explore that connection more.
and listens to the moss covered bark
of a broken soldiers stride. -I'm confused by the soldier's sudden appearance. Maybe make it a toy soldier, so it ties back to the child in the previous two stanzas?
Why do these old trees survive
when all their pretty has gone and died? -I like this question as an ending because its consistent with you theme of time set up by the title. I'm just unsure if this is one of the questions that "push speech on falling leaves".

I hope what I said is helpful, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

Hi Richard
Thank you for your considered reply, really appreciated all the feedback and I'll take it into the edit. Best Keith

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Keith. Interesting images. There are places where the layering of ideas requires spot on grammar and punctuation to remain clear. 

A child-minding crow
calls out through morning mist
as it clings cold "it" could be either the crow or the mist by my read. Should be "he" for the crow or "that" for the mist.
on banks of quiet bracken.
He follows footsteps for scraps
kept hidden from the murder.

Gnarled oaks watch saplings take shape,
bent by the wind's advice,
arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth
as mud caked wellingtons rinse mud-caked Wellingtons - I think
red in pathway puddles.

Twirling loss under a bare canopy I read these next four lines a few different ways depending how I punctuate. None of them are quite correct. There's a surreal satisfaction, but not a logical one for me to sit with. 
questions push speech on falling leaves
and listens to the moss covered bark
of a broken soldiers stride.
Why do these old trees survive
when all their pretty has gone and died?

Hope some of that helps.
Paul

[billy]

i do like your poetry kieth. some thoughts below. the last stanza changed the whole poem for me; in a good way mind. i get a sense real loss.

A child-minding crow
calls out through morning mist
as it clings cold
on banks of quiet bracken.
He follows footsteps for scraps
kept hidden from the murder. excellent line and good follow on for the first line.

Gnarled oaks watch saplings take shape,
bent by the wind's advice,
arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth
as mud caked wellingtons rinse not sure [as] does much. maybe a period then Red to start the next line.
red in pathway puddles. full of good imagery, i do get a feel of blood in this line.

Twirling loss under a bare canopy why twirling?
questions push speech on falling leaves
and listens to the moss covered bark
of a broken soldiers stride.
Why do these old trees survive
when all their pretty has gone and died?

[Keith]

@Billy, Tiger, Richard and tectak

I really appreciate all of your help, comments and feedback I have posted an edit based on your suggestions. Best Keith

[Knot]

Hi Keith.
Enjoyed the read and some really striking images.
(Do you mean 'discarded' in L5?)
Main suggestion would be to cut the final line of
each verse, they all seem to step on the heels of
the preceding line.
Also, not that keen on 'pushes speech'.
On the whole I find S3 rather disappointing in
comparison to S1 and S2 which seem so much
stronger.

A child-minded crow

[calling] out[,] through morning mist
that clings cold on banks of quiet bracken[,]
[following] footsteps for scraps[.]
[D]iscarded crusts hang out of crumpled foil
like bodies through a windscreen.
-great image

Gnarled oaks help saplings take shape[,]
- 'help' is a bit weak.
bent by the wind's advice.
Arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth,
mud-caked Wellingtons rinse red
- another strong image

Best, Knot.

[Keith]

Hi Keith.
Enjoyed the read and some really striking images.
(Do you mean 'discarded' in L5?)
Main suggestion would be to cut the final line of
each verse, they all seem to step on the heels of
the preceding line.
Also, not that keen on 'pushes speech'.
On the whole I find S3 rather disappointing in
comparison to S1 and S2 which seem so much
stronger.

A child-minded crow

[calling] out[,] through morning mist
that clings cold on banks of quiet bracken[,]
[following] footsteps for scraps[.]
[D]iscarded crusts hang out of crumpled foil
like bodies through a windscreen.
-great image

Gnarled oaks help saplings take shape[,]
- 'help' is a bit weak.
bent by the wind's advice.
Arthritic branches knuckle
with fingers of new growth,
mud-caked Wellingtons rinse red
- another strong image

Best, Knot.

Hi Knot thank you for the considered feedback I will take your comments into the next edit, I'm letting it rest for the moment as I made some big changes, I like your suggestion to cut last lines although I'm not sure it will work in every stanza, but I will take a look. Thanks Keith

PS I did mean discarded, thanks