Ometepe Piñata
#1
Monkeys giggled in the manjack trees
as we bumbled sweat gorged and crimson
to the volcano’s base.
 
Julio, our guide, was unaffected,
“We only went halfway up, Chico's,
you should only feel half dead!
You guys like beer? I know a place that’s close.”
 
His suggestion hit us like espresso,
and we started buzzing down a dirt road
towards a pebbled, rocky beach
with a small shack nestled in the shade
where the sand and forest meet.
 
Plastic chairs were arrayed around the shack
with a view of the lake, and as we took our seats
I noticed no one was around.
 
Peeking into the shack, I saw an old woman
napping on a bed with pink sheets,
and a young man fiddling with his phone
beside a generator.
 
At the sight of me, he roused the woman,
who I guessed to be his mother,
and walked over to a boom box
to play Spanish hip hop.
 
Using nearly the full extent of my Spanish,
“Hola senor, cinco Toña por favor!”, I ordered five beers
which he took from a large top-up fridge
to where we were sitting.
 
The first swig of that cold beer was rainfall
on a desert glen, and I marvelled at the greens
and blues engulfing us.
 
With all important matters settled,
I pulled out a deck of cards
and dealt a hand of euchre,
which Julio wanted to learn.
 
After a few spirited discussions
as to why trump is a good thing,
he took to the game, and I sat the first match out.
 
As I walked over to the shack to get another round,
a truck pulled down the dirt road
with about a dozen people in its bed.
 
An old man in a white shirt exited driver side
with a big bottle of rum, and a cavalcade of people
got out of the bed and gathered at the edge
of the road and beach.
 
They bought a few beers
and took the remaining chairs
to form a circle with some rocks
where the children were sitting.
 
The old man lit a cigar and sipped a glass of rum
while the children played marbles, and the younger adults
lit a fire in a small pit, to set up a grill.
 
They placed a few cobs on the grill,
and as the cigar smoke and buttered corn danced
in my nose, a man walked to the truck
and pulled out an orange horse
with yellow rope dangling from its neck.
 
As he walked towards a tree,
the children dropped their marbles
and rushed to follow, with the oldest boy
scavenging the base of the tree
for an appropriate stick.
 
When he found one wrist thick
and the man dangled the horse above a branch,
keeping the end of the rope in his hand,
the adults made their way to the piñata.
 
The youngest child swung first,
and as the stick neared the horse,
the man with the rope yanked
and it pranced safely out of reach.
 
This repeated a few times until a girl
who looked about ten years old got up to bat.
When she neared the horse, she faked a swing,
and it jumped upwards on instinct.
 
She caught it up the middle on the way down
and candy flew like shrapnel from a bomb,
sending children and parents diving
for the shelter of mango sweets.
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#2
Hey Wjames.

Firstly, there's a lot I like here, the humour in the first half is
well done, but the end is a real dissapointment. There are some
nice parts but it doesn't feel like they amount to a whole.

Ometepe Piñata


Monkeys giggled in the manjack trees
as we bumbled sweat gorged and crimson
to the volcano’s base.
Nice start, I'd probably want to add 'along'
after 'bumbled' (good word!) but that's just me.
Though, having read S2 I'd suggest adding 'down' instead.

Julio, our guide, was unaffected,
I think you should cut the name here
and use it to replace 'his' in the next verse.
We only went halfway up, Chico's,
you should only feel half dead!
You guys like beer? I know a place that’s close.”
I think these might work better (S1 and S2)
if you combined them, as in
... volcano's base. Our guide was unaffected.
"We only...)

His suggestion hit us like espresso,
Maybe 'words' or 'offer' ? Something
better than 'suggestion'.
and we started buzzing down a dirt road
towards a pebbled, rocky beach
'pebbled, rocky' seem a bit over done.
Maybe just one, and add some colour?
with a small shack nestled in the shade
'where' rather than 'with' ?
where the sand and forest meet.
I like the image, but you could make
it a bit more interesting (volcanic or tidal)?

Plastic chairs were arrayed around the shack
I don't think you need to repeat 'shack'
with a view of the lake, and as we took our seats
I noticed no one was around.
this line doesn't add much, perhaps cut it?

Peeking into the shack, I saw an old woman
again a repetition of shack, why not simply
'inside' or 'through the open...'?
napping on a bed with pink sheets,
'napping' is a bit weak, was she on her back, snoring...?
and a young man fiddling with his phone
similarly, 'young man' isn't very evocative'
beside a generator.

At the sight of me, he roused the woman,
Trying too hard with 'at the sight', why not
just 'when he saw/noticed me' ?
who I guessed to be his mother,
can't see why this detail matters.
and walked over to a boom box
to play Spanish hip hop.
It would be slightly more comedic
if he woke her by playing hip hop.

perhaps reorder as:
Hola senor, cinco Toña por favor!”, I ordered
five beers Using nearly the full extent of my Spanish,
don't rush the joke.
which he took from a large top-up fridge
to where we were sitting.
don't think you need these two lines

The first swig of that cold beer was rainfall
on a desert glen, and I marvelled at the greens
and blues engulfing us.
'rainfall on a desert glen' doesn't work well at all.
Could you find a more 'Nicaraguan metaphor'?
liked 'I marvelled...'

With all important matters settled,
perhaps this should be singular?
I pulled out a deck of cards
and dealt a hand of euchre,
which Julio wanted to learn.
last line is a bit of a let down.

After a few spirited discussions
as to why trump is a good thing,
nice line
he took to the game, and I sat the first match out.
maybe something simpler
he played while I sat...

As I walked over to the shack to get another round,
another repetition of 'shack'
a truck pulled down the dirt road
? 'came down' or 'pulled up'?
with about a dozen people in its bed.
If it's a 'flat-bed truck' say so in L2,
the have it 'carrying about a dozen people'
and add a bit of a description, tourists, locals...

An old man in a white shirt exited driver side
with a big bottle of rum, and a cavalcade of people
got out of the bed and gathered at the edge
of the road and beach.
I think you could cut this entirely.

They bought a few beers [to go
with the rum the driver carried]
and took the remaining chairs
to form a circle with some rocks
the ambiguity is a bit jarring
where the children were sitting.

The old man lit a cigar and sipped a glass of rum
while the children played marbles, and the younger adults
lit a fire in a small pit, to set up a grill.
I don't think this does enough in terms of narrative.
Why are they there. Celebration of some kind, or
just a typical Friday (of whenever) evening?

They placed a few cobs on the grill,
and as the cigar smoke and buttered corn danced
'danced' could/should be improved.
in my nose, a man walked to the truck
'a man' who, not the old one?
and pulled out an orange horse
with yellow rope dangling from its neck.
it's a bit long winded (you could certainly cut
'a man walked to the')

As he walked towards a tree,
now he's 'walking' again'
the children dropped their marbles
(the children need to 'see' him)
and rushed to follow, with the oldest boy
scavenging the base of the tree
for an appropriate stick.

When he found one wrist thick
and the man dangled the horse above a branch,
keeping the end of the rope in his hand,
the adults made their way to the piñata.
cut this, nothing's happening.

The youngest child swung first,
and as the stick neared the horse,
the man with the rope yanked
and it pranced safely out of reach.
(do you need 'the man...and' ?)

This repeated a few times until a girl
'This repeated a few times' is poor, you
can't go from 'pranced' to this.
who looked about ten years old got up to bat.
When she neared the horse, she faked a swing,
and it jumped upwards on instinct.
'It' doesn't, the man does.

She caught it up the middle on the way down
and candy flew like shrapnel from a bomb,
sending children and parents diving
for the shelter of mango sweets.
It's a very weak end.
The mother, the guide, the card game,
the music, have all vanished from the story.
Which begs the question, why were they there
in the first place. You could split this in two,
(one is teaching Julio to play euchre, two is
the piñata) or come up with a device that unites
both of them.

Best, Knot.
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