High School Cafeteria

[Richard]

High School Cafeteria

Their talking looks like an angry beehive.
I sit close enough to smell her pink shampoo,
desperately wishing she'd sting me.
I've gone mute again, my thoughts
lost on a blank loose leaf.
All I can taste are my unsaid words.

Blinded by the sour milk odor,
my hands cover my ears,
some people notice, while others never will.
"You just have to try harder,"
a photo of my parents in brain.
My only choice is to run,
the assigned adult follows me
like a diagnosis in a permanent record.

From NaPM

[Keith]

Hi Richard
I like the mix up of senses in this and the switch from fight to flight between the stanzas. The opening sets the perp up as the under dog and has the readers empathy we all knew someone in the beehive, I have a few ideas shown below but overall I very much enjoyed the snap shot of a troubled, yet breif moment of this childs episode.
Best Keith

High School Cafeteria

Their talking looks like an angry beehive. This implies distance and when linked to the title it sets the scene up really well.
I sit close enough to smell her pink shampoo, I really like this line and how it brings in intimacy but it shifts the proximity, I guess I assumed he was looking at the bee hive whilst walking with his dinner tray, ready to choose a seat.
desperately wishing she'd sting me. nice link, works well
I've gone mute again, my thoughts
lost on a blank loose leaf.
All I can taste are my unsaid words. both these lines are a bit weak as only half commiting to the metaphor but the confused use of his senses adds weight.

Blinded by the sour milk odor, What sour milk I must be missing something I thought of bitter taste in my mouth etc but it doesnt really work for me
my hands cover my ears, No mix up here he has grasped the reality of his self induced situation, blocking out the sensory that surrounds him
some people notice, while others never will. not sure where this line is going, should they have noticed if so why? or is it about being embarrased, by them noticing? the 'never' will implies the former rather than the later.
"You just have to try harder," to fit in is what this says to me hence why its a pivital point in the poem
a photo of my parents in brain. this need re-phrasing it explains the statement well enough but its poorly constructed and blunter than the rest of the piece
My only choice is to run, the episode is in full flight the build up has carried the reader to this point but its bland ( A solid metaphor could help tee up the stark reallity of a kid with problems that is dropped in with the close.
the assigned adult follows me
like a diagnosis in a permanent record. Solid ending that gives the poem a real grounding as to why the whole sketch is important to the writer once again drawing on the reader empathy, great job.

From NaPM

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Richard=

My favorite part is the very end,
" follows me like a diagnosis in a permanent record"

?? "talking looks like an angry beehive"  Talking should probably "sound" like an angry beehive, otherwise the confusion of senses seems like an acid trip.  

It's been so long since I experienced a HS cafeteria that I can barely relate.  

Tighten up the loose leaf and spill yer guts: after all, it's just lunch: "a photo of my parents in brain" tells me without showing me, and I want yer in-brain puke out on the table.  

Just sayin,
Thanks.
Mark

[Richard]

Hey Keith and Mark,
Thanks for the feedback. The confusion of the senses was quite intentional, but I don't want to give away too much. I was a bit uncertain of the loose leaf image, so I appreciate the thoughts there. I need to rethink the parents' photo image as well.

Thanks again,
Richard