How many do you keep below?
You, who devour women and girls
like chocolate covered raisins.
Are you satisfied knowing the proper weight
to sink them?
Did you feel jilted when that one slipped away,
resurfacing,
wrapped in a Costco blanket?
You'd probably brag to the oceans if you could:
compare your body counts,
wear ribbons for special numbers,
finish your beers, stumble home.
We could discover all your secrets,
but the cost is measured in dollars
on a white page,
justice just another waterlogged body.
Red River of the North
What secrets do you keep below?
You, who devour woman and girls
like chocolate covered raisins,
occasionally vomiting one back up.
Are you satisfied knowing the proper weight
to sink a person forever?
Do you feel lovelorned when one slips away,
resurfacing, wrapped in a Costco blanket?
You'd probably brag to the oceans if you could:
compare your body counts,
wear ribbons for special numbers,
finish your beers, go home, and dare to dream.
Someday we might discover your secrets.
The cost measured in dollars on a white page,
justice just another waterlogged body.
Those who knew you, ashamed for a moment
that'll pass like any other.
Your apology typed and read by someone else.
Definitely something here, Richard
but it seems a bit unclear.
I like the 'Costco blanket' line
(though perhaps 'abandoned' for 'lovelorn')
but I don't think it does quite do enough...yet.
L4 is somewhat contrary to L5/6
(either 'occasionally' or 'forever')
How about; Red River of the North
You'd probably brag to the oceans if you could: compare your body counts, You, who devour woman and girls like chocolate covered raisins, occasionally vomiting one back up.
Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I was unsure about the use of "lovelorn", so I thought I'd see what people thought of it. You got me thinking about the line order, which is a step in the right direction for an edit.
(03-25-2018, 04:02 AM)Richard Wrote: Red River of the North
What secrets do you keep below?
You, who devour woman and girls spelling suggestions: "devours" and "women".
like chocolate covered raisins,
occasionally vomiting one back up. "back up" is not necessary. i´m not too fond of the image alltogether.
Are you satisfied knowing the proper weight
to sink a person forever? you could leave out "forever" (it´s contradicting the next lines). maybe just write "them" instead of "a person".
Do you feel lovelorned when one slips away,
resurfacing, wrapped in a Costco blanket? maybe "to resurface elsewhere". i don´t get the significance of the blanket.
You'd probably brag to the oceans if you could: this could just be: "you brag to the oceans" (because i see no reason why the person adressed could not do that, the oceans are patient and good listeners)
compare your body counts,
wear ribbons for special numbers,
finish your beers, go home, and dare to dream. maybe leave out "beers" and "going home", it doesn´t fit to "dare to dream".
Someday we might discover your secrets. it´s a bit hard to figure out who´s actually adressed here and why the subject now uses 1st person plural ("we")
The cost measured in dollars on a white page, i´d not leave out the nouns, e.g. "is" in front of "measured" and "typed" as well as "are" in front of "ashamed".
justice just another waterlogged body.
Those who knew you, ashamed for a moment
that'll pass like any other.
Your apology typed and read by someone else.
05-09-2018, 08:53 PM (This post was last modified: 05-09-2018, 08:54 PM by RiverNotch.)
(03-25-2018, 04:02 AM)Richard Wrote: Red River of the North
How many do you keep below?
You, who devour women and girls The article I read on this started and ended with dead boys -- this line keeps it sinister, sure, but at the cost of limiting the truth.
like chocolate covered raisins.
Are you satisfied knowing the proper weight
to sink them? I prefer, for sonics, "Are you satisfied to know the proper weight / for sinking them?" That said, I don't really know the weight of what I just ate, not unless I measure it beforehand, so I'm not sure how apt these two lines are.
Did you feel jilted when that one slipped away,
resurfacing, I prefer "Did you feel jilted when that one slipped away / and resurfaced"...
wrapped in a Costco blanket? ...even (though I'm sure there are alternative wordings) at the cost of this detail, since this detail feels like it puts too much focus on that specific person.
You'd probably brag to the oceans if you could:
compare your body counts,
wear ribbons for special numbers,
finish your beers, stumble home. I like this stanza. It palpably links the violence behind the Red River of the North to something wrong with our (your?) culture.
We could discover all your secrets,
but the cost is measured in dollars
on a white page,
justice just another waterlogged body. I'm a little on-the-fence about this stanza, though. Even if this piece is meant (as I presume it is) as a call to Drag the Red, suddenly critiquing some other aspect of our (your?) culture with "the cost is measured in dollars / on a white page", aside from feeling a little incomplete (dollars on a white page?), feels like it moves away from the subtle comprehension of the earlier stanzas, particularly the penultimate one. Certainly money is one of their issues, but there's an issue behind that issue that I think the penultimate stanza better touches upon -- that is, if my reading's right. But returning to a less contentious detail, "waterlogged body" is a bit of a sonic dud for me, with the term not being vivid enough, and the line ending with an unstressed syllable. Maybe synecdoche (which, at least as based on that article I read, is also not): say, "waterlogged foot"?
Hey RiverNotch,
Thanks for the feedback. I was unsure about the changes I made to the last stanza, so I appreciate your thoughts there. I also like many of your wording suggestions. I will give this some more thought before revising again. By the way, you are completely correct in presuming this is a call to Drag the Red.
